The Web That Is My Own

humbled

2012-02-14T00:45:00.000-08:00

We all have our own challenges and walls to climb, which can feel insurmountable to each of us… but I found out today that a good friend of mine has cancer… somehow, makes most of my problems seem a little less significant. She’s so optimistic and positive it makes my heart ache for a good outcome for her and her two boys. I need a hug.

Will you be my friend?

2012-02-12T05:41:00.001-08:00

I need to make new friends, I need to find a best friend.

I have friends but I've realized that I am none of their best friends. When I realized this about my oldest friend, I was inclined to feel hurt, but I wasn't - just cause we've been friends FOREVER doesn't make us best friends - we have different interests, her best friend shares more of her interests.

When I think of all my friends and contemplate each of their circles of friends, there is not one I want to become a bigger part of, no acquaintances that make me think, "I should get to know her/him better."

So how, as an adult, with a busy work and family life and many solitary interests, do I make new friends???

My Boss is a Bitch

2012-02-08T17:42:00.001-08:00

I work in a unionized workplace where middle management is also part of the union.

Since they are part of union, their loyalties should be to the union members and not to the big boss man.

That's not the case where I work.

My boss is a bitch!

Some things just shouldn't be seen

2012-01-29T17:07:00.001-08:00

I've been dating a fellow lately, not long, so things are still kind of new.

We had our first sleep-over last night, spent more or less 24 hours straight together. And it was really nice, kind of a test though. Those things always are. Can we tolerate each other for that long. Will we have enough to talk about, how will making meals work? Will we fight?

All in all, it went really well.

But is always kind of awkward, at this stage. You want to pretend, as a woman, that you just effortlessly roll out of bed in the morning looking fabulous. That you didn't go out and buy a brand new razor so your legs would be ultra-smooth.

That you didn't hide a compact of pressed powder in the bathroom "just in case" you look like a yeti come morning.

Some things just take time.

But I felt fine washing off my makeup last night. I didn't even put any on this morning. I doubt he noticed.

However, the one thing I really really really hate doing in front of a guy is get dressed.

I'm not going to lie. I've got plenty of boob to work with.

And I swear, the least attractive thing in the world has to be me putting on a bra. It is like watching sausages getting made.

Some things just shouldn't be seen.

A Growing Pet Peeve

2012-01-09T11:49:00.001-08:00

As a young, married woman moving more and more into adulthood, I'm starting to notice that people (mostly older friends, co-workers and family) have a tendency toward getting all up in my business acting like they know more about me than I do.

I'll have conversations in which I say, "I'm not really interested in buying a house" and the automatic response is a knowing smile and a, "Oh, you just wait, you'll change your mind". Or I'll say, "I don't like children, my husband and I don't plan on having any and we're perfectly comfortable with that decision" and it will be met with, "You say that now, but you'll change your mind. I said that when I was your age, too." And, granted, I understand that I probably will, in fact, change my mind about many things in my life (although I'm skeptical about ever changing my mind on the child thing), and I also understand that there are people in my life who have been through more experiences than I have and may perhaps know more about life situations. It doesn't make it any less annoying, though, when the 10th person voices the exact same doubts about my own life decisions.

When did it become socially acceptable to blatantly contradict someone about how they feel? It feels as worthless and as petty of a statement as if my friend were to say, "Oh, I hate broccoli" and I were to respond, "Oh, you say that now, but someday you'll love it! Everyone does!" It's even more annoying when it comes from the people in my life who are younger than I am and/or haven't even yet experienced serious relationships, marriage, living by themselves, etc.

Date Night

2011-11-13T08:33:00.001-08:00

I have a date tonight :) :) :)

I *really* like this guy. We've seen each other off and on since August. The past month has been off... I was really hurt he wasn't contacting me. This was the third and longest stretch of me not hearing from him.

Is my excitement about seeing him a sign of how crazy about him I am? Or is it a sign of how crazy I am to open myself up to be hurt again?

I work hard on not being hung up on him, even dating other people. Unfortunately those dates end with me missing him.

We are so comfortable around one another. Humour is not easy for me but I make him laugh and he makes me laugh. We can talk about very serious topics as though we've known each other for years.

What is most strange is that when I'm having a bad day and we're on, he makes me talk, helps me feel better even though I've tried to push him away. When we're on, he's the best boyfriend ever. When we're off, I get all bent outta shape, takes a few days for me to straighten myself up again - I did it a little quicker this last time then previous times but it was also a much longer period of non-contact.

Even reflecting on our off times, I cannot restrain my excitement - I am SO looking forward to seeing him tonight :) :) :)

Awwww...

2011-11-12T22:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, my husband told me that he gets annoyed when I get home before him and don’t leave the door unlocked for him because that makes it just *that* little bit longer before he can see me… how can I not adore this man??

On Bigotry

2011-10-31T07:24:00.001-07:00

I know someone who's a bigot. His bigotry is limited to the LGBT community, and because of it, I don't like him much. He's not a friend - I have a strict policy about being friends with people who engage in bigotry, but he is a member of a larger circle of people with whom I spend time. I avoid him as much as I can, and I tolerate him on the periphery of my life in order to maintain the cohesion of the group.

He's also a vociferous conservative who despises the current President of the United States. And here's my conundrum: Does he despise the President because Barack Obama is a conservative Democrat, or does he despise the President because Barack Obama is black? I don't automatically assume that white, male conservatives who oppose the President are racist, but in this case I wonder. If someone indulges in the kind of sloppy thinking and knee-jerk emotionalism that leads to bigotry against one group, it's not a very hard stretch for me to see them doing so against another.

I guess it doesn't really matter. If someone is a bigot, it doesn't make it better or any more acceptable if their prejudice is limited to one group as opposed to spreading their hate out like a shotgun blast. They're still a bigot, and I still don't want them in my life.

This is the new world order

2011-10-17T17:12:00.001-07:00

Hello secret blog, this is the online dating girl with the yummie love
interest.
The steamy man and I have agreed that we will "hide" our profiles from
the rest of the wide world, and "focus on each other" (his words, not
mine).
I think this is the online dating equivalent of being "pinned" or
"going steady" in middle school.

And since this is the confessional...

A few months ago, before I swore off online dating the last time, I
remember seeing this guy's profile. I even think I might have sent him
a message. And then maybe the next day or the day after, I deleted my
account because yet again the only people contacting me were 20+ years
older and married.

I wonder if he recognized me, because this time around, he contacted
me. He's the one that's been going out on all the limbs here. It's
never this way.

Which leaves me fearing the following:
- he is clearly way too attractive for me
- I'm better in 2D than 3D
- My photos make me look thinner than I really am

Holy crap

2011-10-16T21:32:00.001-07:00

Okay well since I hear you people like these diary of a single gal posts.
I just joined a (stupid) dating site (again) tonite, and the most gorgeous guy in the world seems to be interested.
Look at this guy! Holy crap!

Giddy up

2011-10-12T21:06:00.001-07:00

I've been single for awhile. Having the occasional fling here be there. Nothing serious but fun when need it.
One of the flings continues though. We met in the strangest of places, at this cheesy tourist venue. I was instantly attracted to him, though it was 90% physical. He doesn't fit any of my criteria for a relationship. We don't really have much in common. He's a country boy. Works on cars, works in the oil rigs. I'm a professional university educated career woman.
The one time we got together I worried about us having nothing in common. Nothing to talk about. We would just sit in painful silence. I was wrong. We still didn't have anything in common but got to know each other. Had some good sex. He surprised me in some ways. He was courteous, thoughtful, kind. Rinsed the dishes after supper. Pulled me close to him on the couch. For a first/second date it was very relationship like.
Because life happens fast he left the next month for work and has been away since. I only saw him the one time.
But be sends me a text most mornings. Says goodnight most evenings. We don't talk on the phone really. Mostly by text but we're in touch most days. It's not profound philosophical discussion. But it is the closest I've come to a relationships in years.
We're not exclusive. I'm not dating anyone right now but I'm not NOT accepting offers.
I wish he didn't live an 11 hr drive away. I didn't know if or when I'll see him again. Maybe December.
He keeps in touch with me more than I do with him. And he said to me once that he's sorry we didn't have more time before he left, but we have a whole lifetime to get to know one another and that he hopes I want that too.
But he's not the kind of guy I ever saw myself with. I don't know how much we really have in common besides one another. I'm book smart. He rides a horse and his cars are his babies. But I can't lie... When we were together it was comfortable.
he's the most gorgeous man I have ever dated/been with. And he's equally hot for me. Which is incredibly flattering since I have terrible self esteem.
But am I settling?

pay check envy

2011-10-10T08:33:00.001-07:00

I changed jobs last year, one of the best choices I ever made. My old job was poorly managed and overwhelming. I feel valued at my new job, I enjoy going to work again.

Two of the guys I trained at my old job are still there. They now have new management and are no longer overwhelmed. I also see their clients occassionally, they miss me and find the guys I trained are not truly engaged in helping them. They both got raises.

In my new job I have one project, it is HUGE. In my first few months I made a 2-year work plan, over the year I've realized many obstacles and new elements have been uncovered - I think I'll need to revise my workplan to be 4-5 years. I've accomplished more in my one year then my predeccessor did in their entire history with the company.

I work mostly with two people who support my work in an arms length kind of way - they both make more than I do, in fact one of them was recently promoted so I recieve less support now as their responsibilities grow and they make even more.

What am I doing wrong that my work grows but not my pay check?

Please Help Me

2011-09-12T22:25:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I’m still not knocked up. We’re working through it, bought some books, going to the doctor, taking my temperature, etc etc, but what I need help with is… how the HELL do I stop thinking about it?! It’s all well and good for people to say “Oh, just stop thinking about it and it’ll happen!” (I also want to kick those people.) But it’s freakin’ HARD to stop thinking about it. Please? Tell me how I can stop obsessing about this – it’s starting to make me really crazy. I’m genuinely asking for some coping strategies or something that has helped any of you who may have been in a similar position… because I’m out of answers now and I’m tired of crying and being angry about it - but I’m having trouble seeing my way forward through the blur of tears. In the meantime, I may have a glass of wine (or 3.) (Have to search for that silver lining.)

sick of being used

2011-08-29T08:59:00.001-07:00

I am sick of favours not going both ways. I don't mind helping others, but I am getting increasingly frustrated because this always seems to be a one way street. Yet, I never say no because I am afraid of upsetting anyone.

Everything going wrong when you need it to...

2011-08-22T21:17:00.001-07:00

Ever go to the doctor cause you have a cough or a rash and you have to wait a few days for your appointment and you don't even realize it's cleared up till you go to show the doctor, or even worse, it returns the next day?

This happens to me often, with tech support, the mechanic, my doctor - you name it, I've felt like the boy who cried wolf under MANY circumstances!

Well lately, everything I've needed to demonstrate as being "wrong", I've been able to demonstrate at the right time, to the right person. The outcome has not always been easy to deal with but at least I'm able to ask for the right help and get it.

The Reluctant Cougar

2011-08-21T21:16:00.001-07:00

It's me again, the middle-aged chick with the libido of a teenaged boy...

I was reading about herbal remedies today, in the section for sexual aids it described cloves and ginger as sexual stimulants...

Should I stop drinking Chai tea, stop eating ginger beef and sushi with pickled ginger?

- OR -

Should I find myself a man and feed him copious quantities of all three?

Option two is far more tempting!

One of the very best things...

2011-08-18T11:47:00.001-07:00

...about making more money than I ever thought I would? The opportunity to indulge in "just because" gifts for people I care for. For me, there's no better feeling than showing my regard for people in a tangible way, for no other reason than I want to. Perhaps because I had my share of years when simply buying a birthday gift for someone required a major budgetary shift.

I'm profoundly grateful for my financial security for all the usual reasons, but this? This gives me JOY.

What to do...

2011-07-29T19:57:00.001-07:00

This week at work, I found myself in a difficult situation. I witnessed something that was very wrong and very upsetting. As it was a police matter, I contacted the police, however thankfully (?) the situation did not escalate to the point where their presence was required.

I consulted with two different officers... what can I do the next time, if this were to happen again.

I have a plan in place and hopefully, it's the correct plan. Hopefully, it's what I should do.

But I can't help but feeling I SHOULD HAVE DONE MORE. Doing more could have put me in direct harm, but it would have helped others, had the situation escalated.

I have thought about it so much... what happened, what should I have done.

After much thought and consultation with friends, colleagues, police, I realized who would know EXACTLY what to do. The shitty part is that person is gone. After two years, he is no longer the first person I think of when I need help. For weeks, months after he died, I came to realize how very much I relied on him. Questions, thoughts, comments, opinions could always be gained. And they were amazing opinions/suggestions. He had such a vast supply of life experiences to draw from and helped so, so, so, so many people. He was sooo good.

Give the people you care about and love an extra hug today. People always say it, but it's true - when they're gone, it will be too late.

I didn't get the interview

2011-05-31T19:05:00.001-07:00

I didn't get the interview. It was a job I thought I was totally, perfectly qualified for. It was a ray of hope in an otherwise very uncertain time. I wanted it. A lot. And it hadn't occurred to me I wouldn't even get interviewed. Now I'm wondering why. Slightly paranoid: does someone there not want me there? More realistic: As requested, I'd stated my salary expectations. Were they too high? Also more realistic: I'd sent off my cover letter and resume when I was extremely fatigued and didn't explicitly (but I did implicitly!) spell out how I met their requirements. In any case, it's thrown me. I have about 6 months to find work before things start to become quite concerning. That's a long time, I know, but still...

The B Word

2011-05-31T18:38:00.001-07:00

I didn't get the job I wanted.

I'm disappointed.

But I'm not disappointed about the job but rather what it now means. What it means is that I will begin to look for employment outside of the organization I currently work for. My plan was to do a lateral move within the organization. It did not happen. Time to move on. So for now, I'm keeping my eyes and ears open for new opportunities. But there's more...

I also feel betrayed. This is because one of my references was not only part of the interviewing panel, but was also part of today's meeting telling me I did not get the job. WTF?!

Why would someone accept to be my reference when they have no intention of advocating in my favour?

What a fucking bitch thing to do, eh?

Sorry to carry on like this...

2011-05-21T16:10:00.000-07:00

But is EVERYONE on Facebook friggin’ pregnant, except for me? Even the woman I know who gives her 18 month child Fanta Orange in his bottle and says (upon seeing my unmasked horror) – “It’s okay. I shook it first to get rid of the bubbles.” She’s bloody knocked up with her second! Ugh.

social assistance and pets.

2011-05-19T21:59:00.001-07:00

Okay.

I am just callous in thinking that people on social assistance should not have pets?

I know someone raising their three kids while on social assistance. They have three dogs, two cats, a bird and now they are getting a little rodent as well.

Couldn't their social assistance money be better spent?

I have an online admirer...

2011-05-15T17:22:00.001-07:00

About 4 years ago I took a job on the other side of the country. It
was too far from family so I only lasted 6 months before I moved
closer to my family.

I was working as an IT consultant for a large company but my team was
very small, our client quite specialized so we needed a little extra
tech support. I got along well with my main tech support guy but we
weren't social - never went for lunch or coffee together or anything,
I don't even think we talked at the Christmas party. He did seem a
little more chatty my last couple weeks, I thought cause I was moving
so far and most of my co-workers were lifetime home town kinda people
- it made me interesting.

So last year this tech guy finds me on LinkedIn - cool, I wanted to
build up my contacts from that job, I may not have been there long but
I left with glowing references and they were sad to lose me.

Then he started following me on Twitter...

Then he tracked me down on Facebook...

I didn't think anything of it but it is progressively getting strange...

He direct messaged me to say Happy Valentine's Day, I tweet that I'm
craving chocolate and he Facebooks a picture of chocolate to me, I
mention being out dancing and he direct messages that he'd dance with
me... so I ask if he treats all past co-workers this way? He
responds, "only the cute one".

I double check his Facebook profile - engaged with 2 young kids.

He can't seriously be flirting with me from the other side of the
country? Can he?

What is he doing? Should I be flattered or uncomfortable?

Makes me think I share too much online. If someone were to read all
my tweets they'd know me pretty well. I vent, mourn, rejoice and share
mundane details of my life. Only keeping a few relationships private.
My instinct was to tweet about this guy but he follows my twitter...

I've had bizarre people crush on me in the past but this is new
territory for me. Should I delete & block his online view of my life?
Is it harmless? Should I just continue with the status quo?

I was going to express myself in the form of an original poem...

2011-05-09T16:50:00.000-07:00

...but I couldn't think of a metered rhyme for "they can all go fuck themselves."

more online dating

2011-04-16T17:39:00.001-07:00

I had given up online dating for a couple of months but the lonliness
got the better of me and after browsing local singles and seeing that
there were new faces I am trying again.

I am keeping my profile vague and faceless but sending my picture to
anyone who asks. Conversations are better than last attempt I think
because I'm less forward about wanting to meet in real life. So then,
where does that leave me - with more reasons to spend time online with
strangers?

Interestingly enough the guy who works in my building was all about
messaging me when I went back online - until he figured out it's me.
I asked him in person if he dates a lot of women he meets online cause
I was surprised he messaged me so quickly, he said no, there is never
anyone new.... makes me wonder if he is one of those guys who uses it
as their personal booty call service....

Wish me luck, apparently - I need it!

Dear secret blog:

2011-03-31T21:40:00.001-07:00

Okay here's one for the books.
A friend of mine is in an open marriage, and has been since the beginning of the marriage.
She believes she's polyamorous. He's okay with that.

Recently the two decided to split up. The friend is moving out. Has a new apartment, the whole shebang.

Today, I get a message from said friend saying:

-Wesis asking me if you are off limits. FYI he thinks your pretty

Not sure what to say I responded I was flattered. Nothing more. Was surprised, but in the middle of something else. Left it at that.

-Haha yep he likes you quite a bit. He wants your number.

I'm on good terms with Wes. He's a good man. We're quite similar. He recently talked me through a rough night. Sure I like him. I'd even consider dating him if he wasn't my friend's husband.

But he is married to my friend.

And that is just too weird for me.

I think.

sigh

2011-03-29T19:59:00.001-07:00

I really have no idea why I allow people I don't even like to hurt me so much.

That's all, really.

What do I do now?

2011-03-27T00:34:00.001-07:00

I went on a GREAT date with a GREAT guy. He is still interested in me, we've had a couple awkward email exchanges, phone calls and a run in, which is much like the encounters I had with him prior to our date. But he is uncomfortable and intimidated, it's obvious. I feel like if we had another date we could talk and decide that maybe there is something worth pursuing or decide that no, it's absolutely not going to work. But pushing for that second date just makes me all the more intimidating.

I know he is an intelligent, confident man in the rest of his life. I am not an intimidating person, at least I never thought so. A "recent" divorce on his side might have him behaving with added caution (recent being within the last 2 years).

I can't stop thinking about but don't know what to do...

Overheard, 9:30 a.m.

2011-03-17T18:43:00.001-07:00

"Have you been drinking? We're going to go do work at the RCMP, remember? So, uh, you're going to be OK to go?"

You know my favorite thing about the secret blog?

2011-03-06T15:53:00.001-08:00

I don't have to hear any bitching about the things I post here.

Sorry for being such a downer. I am just really frustrated lately.

Grrr.

2011-03-04T16:43:00.001-08:00

You know, if you don't like my Facebook posts, you can click the little button that turns them off. It's simple and immediate.

On the other hand, if I have to 1) hear about your bitching and 2) block you, well, that's a two-step process.

One. Single. Line.

2011-03-02T13:11:00.000-08:00

I started throwing up yesterday, seemingly out of the blue. I tried not to get my hopes up and told myself it was the tummy bug that was going around… When I threw up again today, I allowed myself to hope. (I wouldn’t have bothered hoping if my boobs hadn’t been sore all week) I stayed home from work and zipped to the grocery store and bought some tests. I peed on the stick. Sadly, after 10 months of trying, there’s still only one, single, stupid line. One day, I swear, I’m going to lose my patience and I’m going to throw that damn stick across the bathroom if it doesn’t give me that bloody double line. So as it stands, today I’m home from work and simply sick. Not pregnant. (And I’m still bloody throwing up. Not happy about this.)

Neighbourhood Living

2011-03-01T20:26:00.001-08:00

Surprisingly enough, painting has resumed. As it turned out, everyone was on the same page with paint colour all along. Yay!

Today's complaints:

1. There were grammar mistakes on the agenda posted: used "capitol" instead of "capital" and used "revue" instead of "review."

Neighbourhood Living

2011-02-28T22:16:00.000-08:00

Two months ago, the board approved the budget. Part of that budget included funds for painting. After much discussion, colours were chosen. Clear directions were given.

Today, walls were primed and ready to be painted. At tonight's meeting, someone makes the following point: if we use that colour, we'll also have to re-do the elevator walls and door frames. This will result in too big an expense. Painting must stop until we review the colour scheme.

*sigh* I wonder how long before painting resumes.

Neighbourhood Living

2011-02-26T19:35:00.001-08:00

Just because you can legally obtain the information you requested, from the Lands and Titles department, doesn't mean we are obliged to provide it. We will not publish a list. We are a volunteer board. No one wants extra paperwork and paying someone to do it isn't a justifiable expense. Why should every other owner pay to get paperwork you can easily obtain yourself? If you're so worried about "who my neighbours are," invite them over for drinks. Bake them a cake, or something. Yeesh! Go fuck yourself, already, and STOP EMAILING ME!

I guess that makes me a stalker

2011-02-21T10:32:00.001-08:00

There is a woman in our small town that I don't like very much. She insults the work that I do and she is always going on about how wonderful her and her children are.

Yet, I cannot bring myself to delete her from my facebook account.

I feel like I will offend her if I do. Then I feel silly that I am so worried about her feelings when it is obvious she cares nothing for mine.

I have got to stop trying to please people.

And is it wrong that I kind of like stalking her on facebook to see what she is up to?

I need a life.

Is this what it feels like to be a teenage boy?

2011-02-15T20:52:00.001-08:00

I had heard in the past that a womans libido peaks around middle age but I never believed it. I've been sexually active a pretty long time but I had always thought if I never had sex again, I wouldn't miss it. Well, I miss it... A LOT!

It is entirely hormonal, I can predict its timing with my menstral cycle, it lasts about TWENTY-ONE DAYS!

It has become an all consuming day dream, did you ever see that movie "40 Days and 40 Nights" with Josh Hartnett? I can relate.to his character in that movie. I can be talking to someone and imagine them having sex with their partner - I would NEVER wish to see that!!!

I find myself longing for college days when promisucuity was rampant.

Is there a place for women like me to... fulfill themselves? Ugh, I feel creepy just asking the question!

Am I becoming a Cougar?

dream

2011-02-12T20:00:00.001-08:00

I had a dream last night that a new friend (we have only known each other for about a year) committed suicide. It was very vivid and in the dream I was spending a lot of time console her husband and helping him with his daughters.

So do I tell my friend about this dream? Or would that just make me seem like a crazy person?

Venting

2011-02-11T22:05:00.001-08:00

I like to make things. I put a lot of my time and energy into making these things look nice.

A family member of mine asked me to make something for her (for free, of course). So I spent a number of hours making it for her and mailed it off.

She gets it, and doesn't even call to thank me. I had to call her and find out if it had ever arrived. Now I wonder if she will ever even use it.

From here on out if family members want something I make, I think I am going to ask them to buy it first.

I guess that makes me a bitch, right?

Well hello again

2011-02-05T12:12:00.001-08:00

It's me, girl-who-liked-the-guy-in-the-chair and girl-who-gave-up-on-guy-in-the-chair.
So funny story.

Guy-in-the-chair and I now run in the same social circle. Mostly because his cousin is one of my closest friends here.
So I actually see him on average once a week.

I ran into him at the local farmer's market this morning. And today, six months after first going gaga over the guy, I gave him my number.
By total accident.
And without thinking about it in the least.

The funny part?

When I asked him if he had my number he said "no, I don't think I got it after that time we went out for drinks"

I over-thought it so much at the time, I was so anxious, I couldn't move and wouldn't DARE actually ask him out.
I'm lame.

Online Dating

2011-01-25T21:40:00.001-08:00

I am separated after several years of marriage, I have kids, it is not easy for me to get out and meet men. Where do I go? Who do I go with? My friends are all attached and I am too big a chicken to go out on my own. So I thought I'd try online dating.

Creepy guys with nice pictures and profiles make sexual advances online - ewww. I asked one guy if it works and he said yes, he meets more women through online dating than he would in the bar - shock! I did a search for women locally and they seem normal, like me, recognized a couple - will I get so desperate one day as to take one of those creeps up on his offer?

Guys who seem nice through online chatting are too chicken to meet in person - REALLY!?! If you want an online relationship why are you chatting with women within 75km of your home? If I want an online relationship that I don't ever plan to develop in real life I will certainly choose someone out of country!

I live in a small town so one of my initial fears quickly became a reality - someone recognized me. Someone with a vague profile and no picture who wrote that he works in the same building as I do... Stalker? Deleted my profile! A friend helped me track him down, I met him for coffee and suggested he not do that again - nice guy with a relationship history far more complex than my own (which is pretty complex, I'm not denying it). I don't think we'll see each other again other than to say Hi when waiting for the elevator.

I know several people now who have married the person they met online, so I had to try again.

This time I made a vague profile and used a landscape picture instead of a personal one ( a no-no in the online dating world, you can be reported ). It gave me an immense sense of freedom. I sent several messages telling men they had awful profile pictures, the sorry looking guys who've taken pictures of themselves with webcams, the guy in the Hustler t-shirt, the guy using a picture of a blender instead of himself. I chatted with other divorced/separated men, yeah, all they wanted to do was chat - no suggestion to meet, no request for a picture - do they really feel that online relationships can fulfill something that relationships in real life cannot? Creepy guys didn't contact me beyond suggesting I post a picture.

The range of people using online dating has truly astounded me. I was expecting to be the target market, 30-something starting over. People from 20 to 65, all races, various levels of employment/salaries, relationship histories. There are a lot of lonely people in the world.

I learned how to search various ways, who has looked at my profile, who is new, who fits my criteria, it was a good learning experience. I've learned that many men do not know what country or state/province they live in or are unable to select it correctly in the online application. Seriously! What hope do they have of EVER meeting someone online?

I chatted with a guy via Instant Messaging - not many actually seem to use that feature. We were having a nice enough chat and then the small town syndrome reared it's head again - he works with my ex, buh-bye.

Eventually I had to put my real picture up. It did not seem fair that some people put themselves out there and I act like an online heckler. The creeps have returned.

I met a guy for coffee, he was nice but seemed overwhelmed by the fact that I have children and am an employed professional - did he not read my profile?

I've reached a status quo, no substantial chatting. Unfortunately my OCD tendencies have left me unable to stop checking for messages or searching for new guys. Debating on deleting my profile but what if Mr. Right signs up tomorrow?

I am building a real social network again. Asking friends to introduce me to their other single friends. Having a real social life is much more rewarding then life online but life online can continue without much effort.

FML

2011-01-21T18:35:00.001-08:00

Things My Husband Says: "You should get your breasts done. That would be a good gift for me. I mean for you."

The Art of Sexism

2011-01-17T19:43:00.001-08:00

I think the hiring managers at my place of employment need some lessons in the art of sexism.

We've had an opening in our division for months - seven months. The doofus who has been assigned to fill the gap is singularly incompetent and unresponsive, and his customers complain constantly. So the leadership team finally get around to posting the job and interviewing candidates, and make a final selection. The decision goes up to the division Director, and he decides that the woman his leadership team selected isn't "young and hungry" enough. And he selects some twenty-something with less than ten years experience in our industry. To handle demanding, manipulative accounts worth millions of dollars.

So the senior leadership team basically passes over a qualified, older female candidate in favor of a less qualified, younger male candidate. And guess who's going to be burdened with this entitled, know-nothing snot as he takes months and years to come up to speed? Yeah. That would be me.

It wouldn't be so damn insulting if they hadn't been so utterly blatent about the whole thing. They didn't even try to hide what they were doing. I know I shouldn't be surprised - the division has only 20% women associates, and no women in leadership positions, a demonstrable lack of commitment to gender diversity. But it still pisses me off.

Still here

2011-01-17T17:32:00.001-08:00

It's me. One of the people who was quitting their job. There are three of us, if I've got the "voices" down correctly.

I quit. I actually did it. I quit and I took another job.

Before I left, I went through all of my old files, putting everything in place for the new person even though I knew it would take anyone else ages to make their way through it.

And what I noticed was how much more empowered I felt only three years ago. It came through in the way I wrote about things, in the way I did my job. I wrote things then that I wouldn't have dreamed of writing toward the end of my time there. It wasn't because I was foolish and youthful, it was because I knew that I was trusted to do my job well.

It was very eye-opening, and it made me sure that I'd made the right decision. I wouldn't have had that confirmation if I hadn't decided to leave. I mean, how often do you go through all of your old files?

The friend I really don't like

2010-12-13T21:33:00.001-08:00

I have a friend.
Well, kind of a friend. I'm starting to doubt how much of a friend she really is, because it seems like she's a chronic liar. So how would I really know if she's being truthful about our friendship?
She lies about EVERYTHING. Okay, well that's not true.
But she routinely omits HUGE things, or grossly over exaggerates her own prowess, or gets completely lost in her own make-believe world.
And it's so frustrating.
I haven't seen her in over a week, and I'm still irritated at her.
She slept with a friend of ours, and didn't tell me, then proceeded to freak out when he got attached to her, saying "I don't understand why he is so clingy!"
One week she "confesses it all" and says that he kissed her.
Months later she finally spills the beans, but only because I told her I knew more was going on.
She refuses to tell the truth until she's caught in a lie.

She's obsessed with moving. And it's completely consumed her. She says she's gotten an offer to move to Toronto and be paid 70 grand a year in musical theatre. I want to be happy for her, but really I think she's fabricating some of that so she has a reason to leave.

When she looks in the mirror, she makes this annoying pucker face that doesn't look anything like her. But she's convinced it's her 'sexy' look. Her 'bedroom eyes'.

She'll gush about how so-and-so must be into me, but really they just gave me a cursory glance.
She spent one night telling me I looked 'just like a supermodel' when I'm sorry, but I did not, and will never look 'just like a supermodel'. I looked good that night, but come on. Let's not kid ourselves.
And that's what it comes down to.

Kidding ourselves.
She's perfectly happy to spin this web of lies around her to protect her from the fact that she is disappointed with having a gazillion children way too early and missing out on the life she'd like to live.

I just don't understand why she thinks she has to pretend to be someone she's not. I'm sure she really is a great person -- I know she is. But I just can't handle her lies anymore. Lies get you nowhere.

You're not really invisible, you know.

2010-12-10T00:07:00.000-08:00

Today, I was driving home from work. I work in a pretty posh area of the city, so there are a lot of expensive cars in the area. I glanced in the rear-view mirror of my humble little hatchback and saw a lovely new Volvo behind me. In this Volvo was a man. He was digging around in his nose. He was really going for it. Then I watched said man eat what he found. Dear drivers – just because you are in your (expensive) car, you are not in a bubble of invisibility. I can see you picking your nose and eating your boogers (and delighting in it.) It is gross. Just because you think it looks like you are coughing and your finger fell into your mouth, it doesn’t. I know the truth, because I just watched you insert your finger in your nose, pretend to flick it, examine it and then ingest it. I see it every day with children that I teach – they do it the exact same way.

Sometimes, you gotta dig, but it must be pretty dire to have to do it in your car… and you must simply be starving if you feel that you must then eat it.

Neighbourhood living

2010-12-03T22:50:00.000-08:00

The ladies who had the board's approval to advertise an in house bake sale did so by slipping strips of paper under everyone's door.

Today, one of the ladies says that someone complained to her. They don't like paper under their door. She also apologized for breaking rules. She was told not to worry about it; she had permission. (Hard to believe there's a paper rule, in the first place.)

On the upside, two professional bakers are selling homemade Christmas baked goods this weekend. Great chance to stock up the freezer for the holiday season. And there's no need to go outside.

City Hall has approved a business
license that allows foot traffic, although they've been asked to not allow such licenses since it is against the rules. Apparently, the last time the neighbourhood appealed a business license, City Hall requested a retraction because their appeal process was too long and they were ready to reissue the proper license. However, the only way to stop, or change a new license is by appealing. So, talk to person in neighbourhood that applied for license and send letter of appeal to City Hall. Person reapplies and City asks for retraction of appeal. In writing, retract appeal and request, again, that City not let foot traffic on business licenses in this neighbourhood. (Stupid time wasting government red tape)

On the up side, tonight's annual Christmas party was a success.

Coffee Police

2010-11-27T15:54:00.001-08:00

At my work, I am the person responsible for collecting money and keeping coffee supplies stocked. About a month ago, I happened to see an employee who does not contribute to the fund, scoop some coffee grindes for his own use. I did not confront the guy nor did I report it to my boss. But I did do something. I started an investigation.

I started keeping the coffee locked in my office. I also kept a closer eye on how much coffee we use. Over time, it became obvious a few people were dipping into our stash. There was too much missing for only one person to be helping themselves. (Especially the day where half a can of coffee was suddenly used up.) I sent an office memo informing people of what I've noticed and asked for suggestions. This created conversation and I did mention to a couple of so-called trusted people what I had seen. But I also said there had to be others involved because of the quantity being taken. That and the fact that many other things in the school go missing including food and kitchen supplies. After a couple of weeks of discussion, one person made a suggestion. Her idea was to paste a list of contributors to the fund. Apparently, that's helped in the past.

Anyway, fast forward to yesterday... As I was leaving work, the guy who I saw take the coffee asked if he could talk to me. He brings me to his office under the stairs, offers me a seat and sits behind his desk. It felt like I was being called to the principal's office. "You know about all this coffee going missing business? Yeah, well, I hear someone is saying that I've been taking coffee. Now, I admit I took it. And it ain't right. But I always replaced what I took! This one time I even brought in a big can and put it up in the cupboard. So, yeah... I don't appreciate people saying that I took coffee, even though I did because I put it back. OK!?"

I looked at him and asked, "Are you upset about this?"

He answers, "No. I just don't want people beaking off about me!"

I then said, "Ok, then. The next time I talk about, or hear people talk about you taking coffee, I'll make sure they also know you say you've always returned what you took." He agrees.

While walking home, I couldn't help thinking about the absurdity I had just experienced. I couldn't wait to share the funny story of "the guy at work who's upset people are telling the truth about him" with my husband when he got home.

Neighbourhood Life

2010-11-27T14:19:00.001-08:00

This week's drama in the condo highrise...

-After the annual sprinkler inspection, a resident complains. The inspector not only left lights on, he also left doors that were supposed to be closed (for a good reason!), open. At least this year, he did lock the suite's door. Because this is the third year it happens, it's clear proof that the board does not care. Either hire a different company or make the company hired pay for its mistakes. Resident also thanks the board for, once again, upping his power bill.

-Light bulbs have been burnt out for weeks.

-The dog in ### is still in the building.

-Dogs are peeing in the elevator...again.

-Homeless people, drunk teenagers and pot heads are finding their way into the building via an unlocked emergency access door. The new alarm will be here in two days.

-It's cold in parts of the building.

-The electronic key system isn't allowing access to gym during hours of operation. There's a problem with the software.

-The metal plate in the gargabe compactor broke after 20 years of garbage slamming into it. (Last month, there was a blockage all the way to the 5th floor because someone threw away metalic blinds and jammed the compactor.)

Thank goodness there's a Property Manager hired to take care of most of this stuff.

Not a secret, but not for my own blog, either

2010-11-07T16:23:00.001-08:00

In the summer of 2000, I was a young gal, fun-loving and free. I lived in a town called Inuvik, above the Arctic Circle, where I had my dream job: a position at CBC and a show of my own. My husband and I were very happy there. The sun never set. (Literally.) It was the perfect life.

I was called to Yellowknife, our regional centre, for muckety-muck meetings with the MotherCorp's northern senior management. It was part of what management types call a "visioning exercise": what did we want to be in five years? Ten? Twenty? I was the Inuvik rep.

As most people from the smaller communities are when visiting Yellowknife, I was keen to go shopping and eat in restaurants. I went to one of the local shops with a few of the other reporters, and came out empty-handed. Nothing fit. Not the clothes in my size. Not the clothes in the next size up. They just didn't fit right. What a downer.

All was well, though: there was a pub around the corner from the mall. We ordered big, pink, girly drinks. Then we ordered some more. And then we ordered some more. We were really, really drunk by the time we staggered out the door and headed home.

The next morning was not one of my better mornings, but I am not the sort of person to call in "hungover" to work. I went back to the meetings. That day I was very conscious of the fact that I had to go to the bathroom a lot. It's one thing to constantly excuse yourself during an evening of binge drinking to drown the sorrows of unsuccessful shopping trips, but quite another to constantly excuse yourself during your boss's boss's boss's presentation about Reflecting Canada To Canadians.

"HAHAHAHAHA," I thought to myself in the hallway outside the meeting room during one of my unscheduled breaks. "I sure have to pee a lot! I'm either diabetic or I'm preg -- wait a minute..."

Fortunately, I had plenty of pee for the stick. There were two lines.

I spent the next six months desperately quizzing doctors and nurses about fetal alcohol spectrum disorder.

My son is fine. No thanks to me.

That sucks!

2010-10-25T19:26:00.001-07:00

One of the worse things about being a pot smoker is that when you happen to buy some weed that doesn't even get you stoned one bit, there's nothing you can do about it. There aren't any refunds, exchanges or returns. You're just shit out of luck!

Diaries of a Single Gal, Part Four: Deflation

2010-10-18T06:55:00.001-07:00

Sorry to disappoint, folks, but this is the low-down from the guy's cousin. It came after he came back into town after driving all day and randomly showing up at a movie night the cousin and I had planned. It was a pleasant surprise, and I was thrilled to see him, and couldn't let well enough alone. So I pestered cousin as to if this was going anywhere and she responded....

So I lightly probed to see what he was thinking and he said he does really like you and in that way, but apparently while he was in (insert name of previous town here) he ran into an ex and they are in his words kinda sorta trying to maybe give it another go. He said she lives in (another province, across the country) so he isn't sure what will come of it but he wanted to put a little effort into it before he writes it off. So for the moment that is where he is at, but he didn't sound 100% that it will work. So we shall see. But either way he is totally wanting to be friends with you.

I'm about to tell you too much...

2010-10-17T02:33:00.000-07:00

But I have to tell someone.

Today… I found a white hair, down there.

I nearly cried.

You ask, I respond!

2010-10-16T14:31:00.001-07:00

Wow!!
So there have been a lack of updates, because there hasn't been much to update.
Except for the following:
- back when the initial posts were written, guy-in-the-chair was feeling out the town (where I live) to see if it was a place he wanted to move to. He decided to move here, and has spent the past 2+ weeks getting stuff from another province and arranging to live here.
- He's back tomorrow
- He's been asking his cousin about me
- I still don't have his number and things have kind of ... gone nowhere since my last post, but I've not been too concerned because he is moving, and I've been busy. But I now regularly stalk him on Facebook, and will harass his cousin (now one of my good friends) to make it happen so I get to see him and work my magic.

Admittedly, I'm a little bit *less* twitterpated -- but that's really because I've not had much contact with the guy in 3 weeks.
I'm still hopeful though, just slow :)

Thanks for your interest!

I need to know!!

2010-10-14T21:50:00.001-07:00

Please! Dear writer who has the hots for the guy in the chair- tell us how it is going!

I hope you are still twitterpaited and that you have finally gotten the guts enough to call him.

:)

city girls

2010-10-14T21:46:00.001-07:00

A very city city-girl moved to town.

She is upset that recycling is not picked up at her doorstep.

She left weeks worth of recycling in her house for when her boyfriend flew up to visit her. She made him return it so he could see how hard it was to live in this remote place.

I don't think she will last long.

I am just glad I live in a town that has recycling.

Abortion

2010-10-13T21:16:00.001-07:00

For some reason, the blogs I read have been talking about abortion more often than usual.

I'm not totally sure what I think about the issue, but one thing really sticks out for me. I don't get this "rape and incest" exemption people talk about. I really don't get it. If you think abortion is murder, why would it be OK if the woman was raped?

I think it's because the people who talk about "rape and incest" exemptions secretly believe that women who chose to have sex deserve to be forced to carry pregnancies to term. There is no other possible reason for this sort of exemption. If abortion's OK, it's OK no matter how the woman got pregnant. And if it's wrong, it's still wrong if the person was raped.

This offends me so much. I never want to hear anyone say it again.

Your head will collapse if there's nothing in it.

2010-09-26T15:46:00.001-07:00

Is it bad that when someone goes out of her way to tell me she (it's always "she") likes the Pixies, I immediately assume she is a poser?

NOT THAT THE PIXIES ARE BAD.

It's just a bit cliched, no?

I guess I'd better delete this from the drafts folder of my regular blog and put it on the other blog.

By popular demand...

2010-09-25T23:40:00.001-07:00

An update!

I tell you, I can't stop smiling. I've been grinning ear-to-ear all night. I spent most of the day in varying degrees of contact with my new love interest (see post below). A bunch of us all went to lunch together, and then parted ways. Then went to a show -- and finally drinks with just my friend, her actual husband and the fella.

It was so nice, and I just ... I really just think he's an amazing person.

I also, against all my natural hesitations, told my friend that I thought her cousin (the fella) was pretty cute too. I'm not good at putting myself out on a limb like that. But I have a lot of people rooting for me on this one, and that makes it easier, maybe.

I don't really know how to write how fun these past couple of days have been for me. I've really not been interested in anyone in almost a year now. I had one fleeting flirtation with a guy in a park about six months ago, but never saw him again. My problem is I tend to try to leave on a high note. I get in great conversations with people and find them really engaging but then... get intimidated and worried that they are getting bored and suddenly find a reason to dash off, and miss out on what could be something really neat.

But here I have someone who I believe at the very least finds me interesting -- we have a LOT in common (he ordered my current favourite wine when we went out for drinks -- that's got to be a good sign, right?), and I really want to get to know him better.

I'm just not sure where it goes from here. I will see my friend/his cousin regularly for the next two weeks, but not necessarily him. We definitely kind of went out on a date tonight, and he makes me all squeal-y but he didn't ask me out. That's okay, I'm not expecting the moon or anything, and to be fair I don't think word has gotten back that I'm interested.

But it leaves me with a bit of a question mark looming above my head.
I had a great night, a great day, and I want more...

But I don't want to go the Facebook route.
And I'm not sure where to go from here.

Dear internetz: what do you think?

We begin again

2010-09-24T23:14:00.001-07:00

So I met this guy the other night.

Some of us were having drinks and this girl I know told her cousin to come along after his salsa class. When they came through the door, I was shocked. I thought he was her husband and I swelled up with pride for her and thought "wow, she's amazing -- she's built a happy family with this man in a wheelchair"

I'm not really proud that's what I thought when I first saw him, but it's the truth. On one hand, it really would have been an amazing, incredible feat. She's got 4 little kids and fosters other ones every now and then, and that would be a lot to juggle, even if neither parents were in a wheelchair. But on the other hand, how absolutely rude is it for me to think it would be a compromise on her part? How short-sighted to think "wow, he must really be a great guy to make their relationship worth that obstacle!"

Of course, it turns out, the guy wasn't her husband. He was her cousin.
And of course, it turns out, he's super nice, and smart.
Not to mention good looking (dare I say it?) in spite of the wheelchair.

It also turns out I actually knew who the guy was. He's well-known where I live, he's been raising money for Muscular Dystrophy. He has a catchy name for his cause, and eventually I put the two together.

So he's driven too.
And finds a way to go to a salsa class even though he's in a wheelchair (he can walk with a cane -- I later found this out).

All of those things are very very very attractive to me.

Tonight, his cousin comes up to me and tells me as soon as the left the day before, he told her he thought I was cute and such. He of course asked her not to tell -- but she couldn't resist.

When she told me, I just blushed many shades of scarlet and I couldn't stop grinning. I had a feeling he was interested, but it's always hard for me to read that line between guys who find me amusing, and those who are actually interested.

We happen to be going to be at the same place again tomorrow night. I'll see him again for sure. It feels like it's been so long since I've done this, I'm not even sure how to deal with it. I'm so used to being around married people that I've stopped trying to figure out how this dating thing is supposed to work.

And while I'm hardly a traditionalist, I really do hope he asks me out.

Girls have cooties

2010-09-24T19:40:00.001-07:00

I am planning to break up with a friend. She doesn't know, or maybe she's planning to do the same to me.

I really like her. At least I like the idea of her. The reality just isn't working. I've been thinking for at least a year that it was time to pull the plug, but I didn't want to do it. Like I said, I really like the idea of being friends with her. But I think it's time. I'm sick of arguing and waiting for the next argument and watching her argue with others.

I imagine that she is thinking the same about me.

I'm going to start slowly, by not initiating e-mails or responding to her Facebook posts. I'm far too timid to really pull the plug all at once. I'll know she has the same plan if this really is the end.

And then it won't have to be weird. I really don't want it to be weird. I don't want to be enemies. I just don't want to be friends.

I love

2010-09-15T02:35:00.000-07:00

Sunny days. Makes everything seem so much brighter! (Go figure.)

I just have to say...

2010-09-10T23:12:00.000-07:00

My husband is awesome… everyday I’m happy to have him in my life (even when he drives me batty!)

Sadness revisited(?)

2010-09-10T23:09:00.000-07:00

So, I finally got a message back from my friend who was upset with me. Apparently, I’m not a very good friend… or not the friend that she’s wanted me to be over the past several years since I moved away. To put it in her words, it’s just not working for her as she’s never felt that her needs have come first.

She wanted time to think before we talked, but also said that when I was ready to listen to let her know. So I let her know (after about a month), and also expressed my regret that I’ve handled all this poorly. This apparently was also the wrong thing to do, as she ended up feeling pressured to talk to me and I wasn’t respecting her need for time. Apparently, reaching out to her and letting her know how much I care about her and value our friendship was also very wrong, as she felt that it was about my need to make it better, not a genuine desire to express my love for her and to make her feel loved. (Apparently, she gets a message from me and vacillates between annoyance and indifference. Nice.) She is a pretty great person, but she’s not perfect. No one is… but I accepted and loved her as she was because that’s what you do, isn’t it?

You know, I get what she’s saying and I feel somewhat remorseful for not being the kind of friend or giving the kind of support she wanted or needed throughout the past 16 years of our friendship (oh yes, it goes back that far.) But my question is, if it’s been bothering her for THAT long, why didn’t she say anything about it before now? Why let it get to this point? Surely, in a true and open friendship, you wouldn’t let this fester, nor would you give up on the friendship that easily.

While I’m a bit sad, I’m relieved at the same time. It has provided closure… and I’m very sorry that she felt pressured to talk to me, but now, like she’s doing – I’ll have to put myself first and unfortunately that doesn’t include her in my life right now.

whoo-eee!

2010-09-08T18:00:00.001-07:00

I accepted a new job today.

I am very excited. Apprehensive about telling people, but still excited.

Great. Here we go. AGAIN.

2010-09-06T13:46:00.000-07:00

My husband has a best friend. They've been best friends for over half their lives, and I've come to love him like a brother.

But this guy has got the worst taste in women EVER.

Over the years, he has brought a parade of losers into our lives, convinced in each case that this one was the one with whom he would share his life. There was the clingy one, the bitchy one, the stupid one (no, seriously - dumber than a box of HAMMERS and thought Jerry Springer was quality television), the crazy one, the one that I think he found in a trailer park with tires on the roof.

And then there's the latest one. The one who chose yesterday to use a racial epithet in casual conversation among our group of friends. I've decided to call her "The Bigot." Lovely.

I'm hoping that this one will go the way as all the rest, because it seems very obvious at this point that she and I will never be friends. For our friend's sake, I will try my best not to be overtly rude to her, but seriously - a racial epithet. In mixed company. With people you don't really know from Adam. Great judgement, there, dude.

Pride

2010-08-24T09:55:00.000-07:00

I'm very proud of my husband. He is truly amazing at times. I would tell him this myself but I'm afraid his ego will inflate his head so much he would simply float away. Then I'd be alone and sad.

YUCK YUCK YUCK

2010-08-19T20:17:00.001-07:00

I was getting ready for bed tonight when my mother-in-law showed up at the door to my house.

She did not want to visit. She wanted to poop in my toilet.

Am I just out of touch with society, or is this not quite normal?

Family ties

2010-08-19T19:02:00.001-07:00

So my parents are visiting me in my tiny little 800-square foot apartment for the next two weeks. Well, my mother, technically, is here for three weeks, but is spending one traveling the countryside.
I was really really looking forward to them visiting, even though I don't have a lot of space for everyone.
But I had forgotten how toxic they can be towards one another.
My sister and I have never understood why they don't just get divorced. They don't even seem to like one another, let alone love each other.
And I hate conflict. It makes me so uneasy, I get nauseous ...
And when it's family conflict, all I want to do is bawl.

Right now, my father is in some kind of snit and won't even talk to my mom. It was over -- get this -- him being hungry and wanting to eat. But in the process of not talking to my mom, he's not really talking to me either. And I have to try so hard not to take sides, be just as friendly to him as I am to her (even though he just grunts or gives me one-word answers back to my non-stop, let's not sit in silence questions).

They may be used to hating each other, but I'm not used to being a referee.

I'm so sick of the two of them acting like teenagers.

Sad.

2010-08-18T01:19:00.000-07:00

My best friend is angry with me. I’ve apologised (and a heartfelt one too, not just a lip service apology because I felt I had to) and I feel genuinely remorseful for upsetting her. The thing is, she just won’t talk to me. I feel almost as though I’m being further punished for not apologising in the way she felt was needed or that there’s something else she’s cross about that I just don’t know. I’m so painfully sad – it’s like there’s a little hole in my heart, but at the same time, I’m starting to get a bit fed up. We’re adults – why can’t we just talk about it, like adults? We’ve been friends for 16 years. Surely we can work it out… I hope. I miss her.

Motivation

2010-08-12T15:24:00.001-07:00

I'm young, and I've always been blessed with thinness and a fast metabolism. So... I've never been as body-conscious as I am now. I can feel it. I'm getting a little older, picking up a little extra where my flat stomach and thinner thighs used to be. I've never had to exert effort in my life to keep thin and reasonably fit (I know, I know, I'm thankful), so I'm at a loss right now as to what to do. I know I should get more exercise. I little walking, a little running, maybe some weights or crunches. I know I could probably eat a little better.

But. I need motivation. I need to get myself into a habit, into liking the exercise. It's a sticky situation. I have no will power or motivation to start or keep going, but at the same time, I hate watching my body change like this when I know a marginal amount of effort will keep me in better health, trimmer and happier. I hope I don't sound too whiny.

A little help from the secret bloggers? Any advice on how to exercise and eat well without making it a chore? Things you like to do? Websites or books that have helped you?

Please let this be over

2010-08-10T18:33:00.001-07:00

I just bought haemorrhoid cream for the first time in my life.

This came after days of denial and surreptitious Google searches (speaking of which, BTW, OMG, you should NEVER EVER GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH THAT, OMG OMG). Tonight I decided it was time to buy cream.

I couldn't go during the day. Too many people. After supper, I drove to the OTHER pharmacy. The one where I do not buy my own medical supplies. There was still a chance I'd be seen, but there was no way to reduce the risk to zero.

The cream is in the same aisle as the Tylenol, which was handy, because I could pretend to be studying the painkiller bottle while I was actually sizing up a box of something called Anusol. (THAT IS NOT EVEN A FREAKING JOKE OMG OMG.) There were several different formulations of Preparation H, so I grabbed the cooling and refreshing gel. (OMG OMG.)

I strolled nonchalantly up to the counter, where I had to look for a cashier. Because it was imperative that I be able to purchase my haemorrhoid cream. I found a giggly young girl who, although she really would have preferred spending her evening texting her friends, was willing to check me out. She took my money and gave me my change, and I fumbled with my change purse.

And she just stood there, watching me.

I sort of thought she would put it into a bag so I would be able to preserve SOME of my dignity on my way out of the store, but apparently not. She did not want to touch the box of Preparation H. I can't say that I blame her, considering that I did not want to touch it, buy it, be seen with it, take it home, open it, and slather it all over my haemorrhoids but WE CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT WE WANT OMG OMG.

I stuck it into my purse and made a run for the door, hoping to God Almighty that the security guard would not stop me and ask what I was doing.

One of my defenses

2010-08-09T20:24:00.000-07:00

My husband comes home after work. He says, "Pizza for supper again? I'm getting sick of eating the same things for supper. "

I respond, "But I did not make supper. I made myself something to eat and made some extra for you because I love you. If you don't want any, that's ok. The kitchen is that way. "

Sooooooo.......

2010-08-09T19:34:00.001-07:00

I think I want to quit my blog. There are a few reasons for this, but mostly I'm just uninspired. Big sigh.......

One of my defenses

2010-08-07T20:21:00.001-07:00

When my husband rambles at the mouth and pisses me off, I just start making reference to how small his penis is. It shuts him up every time. It funny, too, since his quite well endowed.

Abandoned

2010-08-02T10:12:00.001-07:00

I have pretty much abandoned my blog. My real one. And I think I like it.

I've posted almost nothing for weeks. I didn't feel like I had to. I was out, living in the world. And I liked it.

I wonder if my blog is keeping me from actually experiencing things.

My Son Was (Obviously) Raised by Wolves

2010-07-31T09:23:00.001-07:00

Ever since my son moved out, he's been acting like he was raised by wolves. He blows off family events with no explanation and without calling, he blew off my birthday without even an acknowledgement, and won't respond to messages (I know he's safe because his sister tells me she's had contact with him - he's just being an asshole to me).

Now, I know that young people need to establish their independence when they leave the nest, and I'm not suggesting he should be dropping in several times a week to chat. After all, he has his own life, and I'm trying to respect that. But I ask the blogosphere - is common courtesy too much to ask? Especially since I'm still paying several of his bills?

Actual good news on the secret blog

2010-07-20T20:18:00.001-07:00

I have officially, as of this evening when I stood stark nekkid on the scale, lost 20 pounds.
It only took me all bloody winter (the first 15 were easy and seemed to melt off... the rest I'm going to have to work for, I think).
It's awesome, I'm happy with myself, but at the same time, I'm feeling secretive about the accomplishment.

Probably because saying anything:
A.) acknowledges I needed to lose weight
B.) points out I still have a way to go
C.) could 'jinx' the progress.

But you know what, I tried on a button up shirt in a clothing store two weeks ago, and it didn't fit. I went back to that store today to return something, gave the same shirt the old college try...
And it fit.

I've not worn a button-up shirt (that wasn't several sizes too big) in ...

Over a decade?
Ever?

It's like I've reached this weird crossroads though. I'm happy, I have 5 pounds to go before I leave the 200s behind...
And I've wanted that more than anything... but now I'm kind of dissatisfied with it all.
Men still look past me, and only see a chubby girl (I'm not completely thick, I know I'm pretty, but the pounds hide things).

So now it's become, what do I want?
What's a new goal?
Should I be realistic and hope for 175 in the next year and stick there at what is basically the lightest I've been as an adult (and is totally reasonable and a 'comfy' weight for me)?
Or should I actually try to be a fit healthy athletic person?
I've always dreamed that I would be ... well... thin, I guess. I remember in high school wishing I could just get "back" to 140 -- and even then, that was the most active I'd ever been.
And in this town, where image is supreme, it seems like that's what I should be going for.

But it looks just so unobtainable.
It's like rounding this this one little landmark just reveals a whole lotta road in front of me.

And instead of being inspired, and invigorated...
I feel overwhelmed and disappointed.

Starting to worry

2010-07-11T10:04:00.001-07:00

I'm starting to think I just may never get married. May never find "the one" and may never have a family beyond the one I already have.
It's not what I want. I want desperately to be in love again, but everywhere I look the people I meet aren't single and the people I once knew are getting married.
At least I've not entered that "always a bridesmaid" cycle yet.
But it's unnerving.
It was one thing when the guy I had a crush on in high school married his sweetheart just a year or so into university.
But it seems this is the summer of marriage for people I went to school with, and it's all just very bizarre.
I've not even had SEX in 10 months let alone find anyone worth spending any real time with.
It's depressing because it makes me wonder what is so WRONG with who I am that I can't attract even a semi-interesting, moderately good looking love interest.

Calling upon your kids

2010-07-10T17:47:00.001-07:00

My dad calls upon me often to do him favours. I don't mind, really. I owe the guy my life so I'm happy to oblige in times of need.

Today my father calls me and says he needs a huge favour. He had forgotten his insulin at home and he was already at the airport. He needed me to fetch his meds and bring them to him.

Which I did. I dropped everything and flew out the door.

After thanking me, my father tells me that if he wanted to, he had the option of picking up his meds at his destination at the local Wal Mart.

I wonder if I just past a test and jumped up a few levels on my dad's love-o-metre.

Or maybe he just likes to boss me around.
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.

2010-07-06T22:11:00.001-07:00

Why are the other mothers at our local children's playgroup so damn cliquey? Actually they are more than cliquey- some days they are stuck up bitches. But I smile. Make small talk. And think about how many more days until they move on to another town.

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Nausea

2010-07-05T20:34:00.001-07:00

I was just pulled over for the first time.
And I'm still shaking.

It was stupid, it really was, and I know it. I had just submitted my information to change over my registration and insurance a week ago, and it occurred to me today, as I was driving home that I hadn't heard back from them. I started the process, but couldn't finish everything because my OLD old insurance company hadn't faxed over my driving/claims record.

And as I left this morning, I saw my little green folio that holds my old insurance and old registration sitting on the counter, but forgot to put it back in my car.

So when I saw a police car behind me on my way home (after a LONG day, I might add), I drove the speed limit (okay, 5-10 above, it would look suspicious if I didn't speed a LITTLE, right?). I didn't want to draw attention to myself.

And when I saw those red and blue lights flash, I nearly had a heart attack.

That heart attack nearly became a hernia as my first-time-pulled-over jitters made me stutter and shaky. That only made matters worse, because then I became convinced that it looked like I was lying, and got more anxious. That anxiety reached a tipping point when he told me I was going to get a ticket for something like 800 dollars for no insurance and no registration.

So I did a little yoga breathing, decided the tax return I was going to put on a debt would just have to go towards paying a ticket, and really it was my own fault.

I guess the guy took a little pity on me, or at least believed part of my story, because I only walked away with a 80 ticket -- which they'll cut down to 60 bucks if I pay it in the next month.

I swear to god, if I ever really do something wrong, I would never ever ever hold up under any sort of interrogation.

Bake sale

2010-06-26T19:57:00.001-07:00

There was a bake sale at work the other day. We have them often; they raise money for the kick-ass Christmas parties we have every year.

I walked in and saw a boardroom table laden with goodies: brownies, cookies, pies. And in that second, inside my head, I saw myself eating ALL of it.

I backed away, but it was already too late; you can't really walk into a bake sale and walk out again unnoticed. I had to explain myself.

So I made some lame joke about not wanting to eat everything (which was true) and said that I have a problem with food (which was also true). I really should just shut up.

My co-worker, who is larger than I am, was not impressed.

I was not always this size, and it's easy for people to forget that I lost a third of my body weight a few years ago through ten months of hard work and dieting. I still struggle with the urge to overeat, and I KNOW that I could have eaten everything on that table without a second thought. I am not a skinny bitch, I swear. I am a skinny glutton.

I used to think that people who talked about being sober alcoholics were weirdos. If you're sober, you're not an alcoholic, right? I now know exactly what they mean. They're talking about the constant struggle to fight off the urge to do something they don't want to do and yet DESPERATELY want to do. I was insensitive to question their description of that struggle, even inside my head.

People at work have said that I have great willpower. This is usually in the context of bake sales or someone's birthday cake. They don't realize that I have absolutely no willpower at all. If I ate some of the cake, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from eating far too much of it. It's easier to walk away and pretend that I have some self-control.

Is it too much of a cliche...

2010-06-25T09:33:00.001-07:00

That I hide my weed in my spice cabinet?
Oh well.

Feeling Mean

2010-06-24T19:54:00.001-07:00

I just saw pictures online of a person that was quite horrible to me in my last community.

I see she has gained a lot of weight.

That made me smile.

But then I felt bad.

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More lame drama

2010-06-23T19:23:00.001-07:00

I don't necessarily like that the only things I can think of to post are kind of petty little nigglies about an ex boyfriend.
But that's part of what makes the secret blog secret. His mom reads my REAL blog and I don't want to be a total bitch... or really admit that some things still bother me.

Annoyance #1.) the man and I broke up because of a couple different reasons, the main one being he really didn't want to commit to anything serious. A year and a bit later, he has a baby.

Annoyance #2.) -- very closely tied to annoyance #1.) they moved in together shortly after we broke up and have bought a house together.

Annoyance #3.) I'm not that vain, but seriously, I am better looking than her.

Annoyance #4.) They produced an ugly child. Hopefully it will get better looking with age.

Okay, maybe that last one isn't so much of an annoyance. Maybe it's a little bit of an observation that makes me want to do a happy-dance.
I am fully aware that I'm not able to let this go because really, I can't get over MYSELF. I can't see what in the world makes this woman better than me, more worthy of commitment than me. I can't stand the thought that I could possibly be THAT intolerable.

Adding insult to injury is the fact that I really do know that when we were together, he was no catch. Now, he may have stopped drinking now (and only by court order, I might add), and I know that I needed to NOT be in that relationship anymore...

But I can't help but feel that little sting.

Because I really did love him.

Technology

2010-06-21T08:23:00.001-07:00

I have an agreement with my husband: If he cleans the house, I will have sex with him.

Sure, this may sound excessively transactional after our many years together. Go ahead and judge me. It works.

I wouldn't call myself a neat freak. It would be more accurate to say that over time, the messiness that collects in my house slowly drives me crazy, and eventually I snap. I have been known to walk around with a garbage bag, throwing out-of-place items away.

I can't identify the precise moment at which I lose my mind. It isn't Piece of Mail #17 or Dirty Sock #5. Well, it might be either of those things. What I mean is that it is an art, not a science. It may be some indefinable combination of dirt on the kitchen floor and congealed leftover cereal. I think I am pretty laid-back about messiness most of the time, but I can't handle a total takeover of disorder. My stress level was rising all week. I made pointed comments and emptied the dishwasher while glaring at my family.

By Saturday night, I was furious. I did not have a garbage bag. Instead, I walked around staring pointedly in the direction of the biggest messes. After some heated words, I decided to go to bed early. No point in fighting.

I awoke to find that he had cleaned the house. He'd even Swiffered the floor. It was very sexy.

I decided that since he'd gone the extra mile, I should, too. I pulled out my Naughty Mrs. Claus outfit. (Naughty Mrs. Claus is always good for a party of two, but I do not recommend her for the office Christmas party: she's a bit of a ho-ho-ho.)

And when it was all finished, I rolled over to find him checking Facebook on his iPhone. Damn.

The Best Part

2010-06-17T21:13:00.001-07:00

Ever leave a friendship without any remorse, just thankfulness that you managed to get their family secret recipe before you left?

I have.

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Thin veil

2010-06-14T02:21:00.001-07:00

You know what really cheeses me off?
I'm awake at 2 am still working on a breaking news story for tomorrow.
I got the call at five, jumped in my car and drove my ass down here and started interviewing people.

My colleague, a national reporter, got on an airplane, and arrived five hours after I did.
We met up, he saved all the interviews I did to his computer.
Wrote a story using those interviews, clipping sound bites for his piece.
And then went to bed.

I, on the other hand, am still awake.

And annoyed.

This whole trend of "national" reporters swooping in and getting all the credit for my legwork and my stories really BLOWS.

And I would have written this on my own blog, because I'm THAT kind of annoyed...
But coworkers (past and present) could then read it.
And my mom would chew me out for publicly criticizing my employer.
And it's not worth the bother.

I am planning to leave my job.

2010-06-13T14:13:00.001-07:00

I'm putting everything in place, trying to finish off certain projects and get the rest of them to a point where they don't need my active involvement.

Only a few of my friends know, but I'm becoming a bit paranoid. Every so often, I'll be asked to work on a long-term project. I'll hesitate, wondering if it is a test. I say sure, I'll work on it. And then I try to come up with a way to keep from leaving them in the lurch when I disappear. Because I am going to disappear.

My boss asked me to come up with a workplan. I haven't done this. Sure, I suppose I could, but is there really any point? It would be a meaningless table filled with timelines the next person would never be able to meet. Maybe I should do it anyway, just so I don't feel totally guilty. It's just a table. Anyone can put together a meaningless table filled with timelines that will never be met, right?

I am putting off telling my boss until the last possible moment. He has no idea I'm planning to leave. At least I hope he doesn't.

Children: Loud and Smelly

2010-06-10T05:48:00.001-07:00

I admit it.

I don't like children. They're loud, and usually smelly, and they don't have much to say that's interesting to me. While I respect people who like kids and have the patience to deal with them, and I absolutely recognize the importance of having such people in the world, I'm not one of them, and I don't think I should have to apologize for it.

So don't assume that because you love your kid and think he or she is the best thing since sliced bread, that I should feel the same way you do. To me, your kid is not a unique and special snowflake whose very presence in the world brightens our existence and makes the angels sing. To me, they're just loud. And usually smelly. It's not personal - I'll probably think they're fabulous once they're grown and have something interesting to say. But in the meantime, I'd appreciate it if you'd keep them away from me. Really - it's best for everyone.

The Trouble With Recession

2010-06-09T17:55:00.001-07:00

The trouble with a recession (aside from the obvious issues) is this amazing sense of entitlement that is currently being enjoyed by businesses. They figure, "Hey, you should be grateful just to be EMPLOYED, so don't even THINK about complaining even if we treat you like shit, try to force you to work 80 hours a week or cut your pay (without cutting your hours)! YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL, DO YOU HEAR? GRATEFUL."

You know....I am grateful. I know lots of folks who struggle with unemployment, and I really am grateful to be working and have an income to pay my mortgage. This is a good thing, and I'm happy with my professional circumstances in that respect.

But don't ask me to be GRATEFUL for your ABUSE. Because I'm not. You're being an ass, and I'm not going to thank you for it.

Politics

2010-06-09T06:46:00.001-07:00

My MIL got a call from a survey company asking if she would vote Conservative if a federal election was called right away.

I hope the Conservatives keep their minority government.

It's not that I like the Conservatives, or their policies or politics, or even Stephen Harper. I actually kind of dislike all of those things. But I think the Liberals wouldn't be significantly better, and if we had a change of government, people would be hoping for change that wouldn't come. I'd rather go on being disappointed than be let down yet again. That would be even more disappointing.

True Stories

2010-06-06T12:19:00.001-07:00

Over the weekend, I heard these two stories. These are true stories. I could never post them on my blog because I find one of them funny and the other I agree with. Due to the content, if people knew I found story #1 funny and agreed with #2, I would probably be tarred and feathered. I think I'm safe here, though. Thanks goodness for this blog.

Story #1

A woman recieves a phone call at work from her son. "MOM! MOM! I caught a troll! I caught a troll! Come and see! He's going to spin gold for us! We're going to be rich!"

"What are you talking about?" the mother responded. As it turns out, the son is 30 yrs old and has autism (or some other congnitive delay) coupled with bi-polar disorder. He's been on his own his whole adult life and maintains an appartment on his own. The mother checks in on him first thing in the AM and again after she finishes work. He does not pose a threat to himself or others in anyway. It is not uncommon for him to call and say unusal things since his view of the world is a bit different than others.

"Come and see! Come and see! I caught a troll. He's going to spin gold for us. We're going to be rich!"

"I'm at work right now. I can't come over. I'll be there at 5 pm after I'm done work."

But the phone calls did not stop. The son called repeatedly. By late afternoon, the mother gave up and asked her boss if she could leave to tend to her son. Her boss had no issue letting her go home early.

When she arrived at her son's appartment, he lead her into his bedroom. He was very excited. She saw that the bed and dresser were pushed up against the closet doors. She heard some movement in the closet.

Upon opening the closet door, she discovered a little person cringing in the corner of the closet....just scared shitless. Poor bugger. He'd been there for over 4 hours. Locked in the closet. With no food. No water. No bathroom. And the whole while he was kept captive he had to listen to the excited screams and ravings of a burly 30 yr old man saying, "The troll will spin us some gold! We're going to be rich!"

The mother released the little person and after some discussion, she got the story. The little person was a Jahova's Witness doing his daily rounds of spreading the word. When he knock on her son's door, the son's eyes went wide. The son, never having seen a little person before, assumed the little person was Rumplestilken. He quickly scooped up the little person and imprisoned him.

The little person did not press charges. He did say that he will never do his rounds again without his partner who was sick that day.

Story #2

There was a party. Young adults were drinking. One of the guys at the party went postal on his girlfriend. He yelled and screamed so much that the other guys at the party got between them and tried to calm the man down. It did not help. During his lunatic ranting, he used a rock to smash the window of his truck that the girlfriend was driving while she was sitting in the driver's seat. He opened the door and threw her out of the truck. He got in and drove off. The girlfriend called the RCMP.

Now, here comes the good part. The part that in public I would pretend to be horrified at hearing but secretly giving a thumbs up to the RCMP for doing this. I could never admit this publically.

The RCMP catch up with the guy and pull him over. They asked him to get out of the car. They then said, "Here's what we do to drunk drivers." They beat the living shit out of the guy.

Good job RCMP! Granted you behaving that way is very, very wrong for so many reasons but, meh... the guy needed some sense knocked into him.

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My sex story

2010-06-05T12:03:00.001-07:00

These sex stories are great. I'm a parent, so mine goes like this:

"HURRY UP! He's getting out of the shower!"

This blog shouldn't be all negative

2010-06-05T07:13:00.000-07:00

I have to brag. I had a quickie this morning. YES! A quickie. I feel like such a teenager. I made a comment to my husband about a good dream I was having, and next thing I know he's back in bed (he was getting up for work). It was awesome! My husband is a very conservative guy, but OMG he's awesome in bed! 15 years and he still makes me blush.

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Sex? No thanks.

2010-06-03T20:40:00.001-07:00

What happens if my desire for sex never returns? Right now I attribute it to busy schedules and lack of sleep due to children. I would take a full night of sleep over the most amazing mind-blowing sex without a second thought.

I cannot be the only other person out there feeling like a disappointment to my partner (even though my partner never complains) and worried that the intimacy will never return. Or am I?

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I wish I may, I wish I might

2010-06-03T19:12:00.001-07:00

I wish that I was pregnant. We are into month six of trying and it's
starting to scare me that nothing is happening.

Every time I hear of a friend, an acquaintance or even a celebrity who
is pregnant, I panic even more. The rumors that Mariah Carey is pregnant
are making me crazy.

Seeing white trash hicks who are just bad people on Maury who have
babies and/or are pregnant infuriate me.

I hope our time comes soon.

This feels terrible, but...

2010-06-03T18:11:00.001-07:00

In a sick sort of way, it's good to know I'm not the only author here who's just biding their time and looking for another job.

I mean, I'm sorry that you guys are dealing with lousy work situations, too. But at least I'm not alone.

I Want to Quit

2010-06-02T18:40:00.001-07:00

My Job that is. I'm tired of it and want it to go away. I have considered leaving several time. Just wanting out. Throwing in the towel.
I use use to love my job, I was good at it. I still am good at it. Actually every day I have people tell me this, but I just don't enjoy it anymore.
Maybe I feel held back from it now. Maybe in my mind I think I could be doing so much better, then again that is in my mind.

Do I make any sense?

Lets just say I quit my job. What would I do then. I would no longer have financial stability. Would something come along that I would actually enjoy doing. What qualifications do I even have anymore. Could I make the things I enjoy a job. What what I have seen, that doesn't come easy.

Does a person stick what there good at and what is stable or do they follow the things the really enjoy and hope the money comes?