The Web That Is My Own

Have you heard of Brené Brown? She has two TED Talks, one on vulnerability and one on shame. She also has two books, "I Thought it was Just Me" and "Daring Greatly."

These talks and books have helped me change my life. I have more confidence in myself, I am a much better parent and I hope I am a better friend.

In addition to growing emotionally, my health has dramatically improved, what drew me to Brené's work also drew me to make other changes in my life. Recently I decided to try a couple of sports in addition to my independent walking, running & hiking.

I never understood how an athlete could lose so often and keep trying. I've realized that athletes lose so often and don't let it get them down and keep optimistic, to be able to try again. I realized that in the past when I played sports I could never stop from getting down, from feeling that sense of doom, from feeling like I let my team down.

I had someone score against me. My initial thoughts were:
I suck
I let my team down
I should stop playing
I'm never going to be any good

For the first time ever I've been able to change my thoughts and accept support from my teammates:
The score is X:Y, I might have allowed one goal but my teammates let in X-1 and they keep trying. I made a good pass there. I made a good block there. My teammates said, "Good job!" "Good play!" - and I believe they are being sincere. And though I'm still a little overwhelmed by the high speed and close contact, it feels amazing that I'm keeping up! I know I'll get better so long as I keep trying and stay optimistic the same way everyone on my team is - playing sports as an adult is a choice, no one has to play as part of gym class or give into peer pressure - everyone is coming out cause it feels good to be a part of it!

Playing sports and not being the star player, making mistakes and not being perfect is the most liberating feeling I've ever had! It's like I've unlocked the door to a jail I had put myself in!

Ten years ago I was pregnant for the first time and I gained a whopping 70 pounds! I never lost all that weight and less than two years later I gave birth a second time surpassing my highest weight ever. Again, I never lost all the weight.

When my youngest was 18 months old I went on the South Beach Diet and I made it down to 10 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight but I felt AWFUL.... within 6 months I regained 30 pounds and gradually over the years it climbed with my stress levels.

At one point at a loss for what to try that would not make me feel awful like a diet or be too much of a time burden or expense I tried a hypnosis CD and book. You might laugh at this cause how can you think yourself thin but I honestly think this book has contributed to my long term success. I didn't like any part of me any more, the book helped me realize that and realize that I needed to like myself in order to have any motivation or hope of bettering myself. It took time and other significant life changes but I learned to like myself again. What was not so healthy was I like myself fat. My stretch marks were filled out so my skin didn't sag, I could eat whatever I wanted and not exercise.

At my peak around the time my father passed away, I was less than 10 pounds away from my peak pregnancy weight but I wasn't pregnant...

Last Thanksgiving I decided to start making changes, nothing extreme, no dieting, no gym membership, just manageable changes. I found a calorie tracking app for my iPhone and I targeted losing half a pound per week, which was a reasonable calorie budget of about 1800 calories per day. I started walking.

I was shocked at how quickly the weight started coming off just by being aware of what I was eating and walking. I'm pretty sure that before I was tracking I must have been eating 3000+ calories per day.

I also rediscovered my love of the outdoors. I LOVE walking outside!

By April I was down to 10 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight. I was amazed by how well things had gone but it was almost a disembodied feeling. I had no perception of what I looked like or what size I wore. I decided to stop tracking and see if I could keep the weight off without a conscious effort.

Six months later I'm up five pounds but my clothes still fit and I get more compliments now than when I was working at it, it's kinda like my body has reshaped itself now that my weight stabilized. I've kept my activity level up and even increased it now that I'm strong enough to do more, I actually was surprised to find some arm muscles, I think from gardening and painting!

I feel AWESOME! I like my body better than I ever have before! Stretch marks from carrying my babies, my boobs are different from breast feeding, I have back fat I have no idea how to get rid of... but I KNOW every inch of my body, I accept what is there is there because of how I treated myself and choices I made. I accept love and appreciation of my body from others, even though I know I'm not perfect. Pre-pregnancy if someone complimented me I would say, thanks but I can't lose that last 5 pounds; today when I get a compliment I smile, say thanks and usually I'm happy about it for days :)

I maybe years healthier than I was a year ago but it is time for me to step things up... I want to be able to swing across the monkey bars with my kids. I want to RUN. I'm going to start a run training program and pushups and other body weight exercises. I'll start tracking calories again but be a little more lenient in how closely I stick to it. If the scale goes down then great, less of me to haul across the monkey bars, but if the scale doesn't budge and I can haul myself across the monkey bars - I'll know how much stronger I've become.

It has been nearly two years since my Dad passed away.

I don't spend a lot of time with my extended family or friends parents but when I do, I can't handle the emotions that come over me...

I left a friends party early when her Dad was the centre of attention.

My Uncle is here visiting my cousin right now, to the home my Dad lived for many years but my Uncle never made it here when my Dad was alive. I couldn't help but think about my Dad as I gave the tour guide description of the area, imagine the things they would have enjoyed together. I was glad to be wearing my sunglasses and didn't get out when I dropped him off.

We've never been good at sharing emotions in my family.

I never want to stop missing my Dad, but I do want to get over being around other Dads and people who remind me of my Dad.

My son was diagnosed with reading and writing disorders this year and it is taking a while for me to figure out what this means.

It took a long time to meet with the psychologist who made the diagnoses and that has helped me understand a great deal. My son's thought processes, intelligence and capabilities are quite normal, he learns and understands the material he is taught in school but he can't write a normal test. He can do anything he wants, become whatever he wants to become - he will only need extra help with the communication aspects of traditional schooling. With the current and expected future of technology, this is not the same challenge it used to be, software can read to you, record what you say and write for you. I will need to help him more than average with reading and writing throughout his education - I am okay with this.

I realize how much I take reading and my independence for granted. Labels, signs, packaging, recipes, mail, forms, newspapers, magazines, maps, games like Trivial Pursuit. I feel mournful that my son is likely to struggle with these things. I know he has a strong support system, including myself, that will help him but I feel mournful of the independence he is losing.

My son is still young. He is only just beginning to feel frustration when a peer reads a sign or label that he cannot. We are lucky to have these diagnoses early. Hopefully we can support him adequately so that he never feels he is at a disadvantage.

What I am most mournful of is that my son's life will be harder than mine ever was.

I am learning a lot about how to help my son. Luckily school was easy for me and I do enjoy re-living many wonderful memories as my children learn. I am happy to be a very involved parent. I will intimately know everything my son learns because I will help him read for research projects and write his thoughts and write the amazing stories in his head that he draws pictures for and stages for performances. I am ready to take on these challenges as a parent.

But I still feel I need to take some time to acknowledge the sadness I feel that my son has these challenges to face, that I will not be able to take his place, I cannot make it go away. He will likely struggle with things that I take for granted his entire life.