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I'm a total bag of nerves. Butterflies in my stomach. Dry eyes and mouth. Sleepless nights. Lower sex drive. Constipation. Loss of appetite.
I've got so much on the go. Important stuff. Life changing stuff. The anticipation, the waiting, the wondering, the hoping...it's a bit difficult to stay above it all. Answers are on the way. I just need to hang in there for 2 more weeks. Just 2 more weeks. It’s been nearly two years since we’ve started trying to have kids. In that time, most of my close friends and family have had kids… and while I’m happy for them, it does feel like I’m getting kicked in the guts each and every time. My sister-in-law had her baby today. I’m organising a baby shower for a dear friend… and every day, I feel more and more hopeless, and I’m just tired really. Tired of trying, tired of being disappointed, tired of crying, tired of pretending that I’m okay with it, tired of being angry at God for letting dirty tramps and child abusers have kids and not me, tired of making my dear sweet husband worry about me, tired of taking my temperature and having sex at the ‘right’ time whether we want to or not and tired of well meaning people who keep asking when we’re going to have kids because “You’re not getting any younger you know!” Just so tired. So tired in fact, that I’m almost ready to give up, which breaks my heart just as much as not having any luck yet… I’m heartbroken and tired. It’s not a happy place to be.
I am Inuit. I've always lived in Canada, I have no real desire to travel though I've always read of far off places.
A few months ago a co-worker travelled to Ireland, Scotland and England. She remarked that walking on the Roman ruins you could feel the history of the place, imagine how many people have walked on that very same road stretching back for thousands of years. At the time this bothered me though I couldn't pin point why. Canada is considered such a young country. Today I am reading a book of Egypt and there is a similar description by someone visiting the pyramids. I realize I feel that way when I am outside in the middle of no where tundra, on the crisp shores over looking open expanses of water. Hundreds of years ago my ancestors stood here, my ancestors survived here without guns, motorized vehicles, square houses with furnaces, grocery stores... My ancestors stood here and kept this land beautiful - for me, for all future generations. I will always struggle with reconciling my life with my family history. I feel at peace on the land, but I love to read, I work on computers, so much of my life is blissfully easy. There is no going back, but is some kind of compromise possible? If you hurt my feelings, and I tell you that you've hurt my feelings, the correct response is not to tell me how misinformed I am or tell me that you're sorry you didn't explain your position better. The implication of such a decision is that it's my fault I feel hurt and devalued, and that you couldn't possibly have made better choices to avoid this outcome. This makes me feel worse, not better. Of course, if your intention is to make me feel worse rather than mend the rift in our relationship, then I guess you responded appropriately. But if you really are sorry I feel bad, then you might try, "I'm really sorry I hurt your feelings. I never meant to make you feel devalued, and I hope you'll accept my apology."
My friend who has cancer has found out today that it’s not life threatening. It’s incurable, so she will have to live with it for the rest of her life and learn how to manage it when she’s in and out of remission, but it’s not life threatening! Happy! Better than “Can be cured, but more likely to die soon.” (I think.)
Last night a friend told me that she was called by her pharmacist. They told her that her birth control had been recalled, it was full of placebos rather than the normal hormone gradient.
She's quasi-dating someone right now, she says she's madly in love with him, he refuses to officially date her, just lets him mother her (he's almost 40 but apparently "still hung up over his ex"). This has been going on for the past year. She's desperately in love with him. He's considering going back to his home country. This is devastating for her. She's already got multiple children, loves children, is clearly very fertile, and is apparently extremely concerned that she could be pregnant. And here's where I come in. While this woman is a friend of mine, I know her to be manipulative. She's a good person but I can't help but wonder how much of this is the truth, and if she'd actually stoop so low as to "trap" him in a pregnancy. I hate to think that she would do that, but about a year ago she accidentally got pregnant by another guy. She had to terminate the pregnancy because it for some reason made her very very very ill and strained her heart. When I mentioned that to her last night, her response was "oh no worries, I had a physical last week and I'm good to go." I looked up drug recalls this morning. There has been a highly publicized drug recall in the US, but none of what I read indicated the drugs had been sold in Canada. I checked Health Canada's list of drug recalls, nothing there either. I don't want to accuse her of anything, but it seems like she might be lying. And I don't know if I can be friends with her if my suspicions (which I admit, are horrid and not very friend-like) are true. Have I been reading too many conspiracy novels? Do 'real' people do this sort of thing? When does one say something?
We all have our own challenges and walls to climb, which can feel insurmountable to each of us… but I found out today that a good friend of mine has cancer… somehow, makes most of my problems seem a little less significant. She’s so optimistic and positive it makes my heart ache for a good outcome for her and her two boys. I need a hug.
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