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My father died of cancer, this week I have a test scheduled for the very same cancer. The test could also find a couple of other things but my fear is that they will find cancer and I will go through awful treatments and still die in a couple short years. What will my kids do without me? Loved ones? Everyone I know? My work that is finally going in a good direction? My pets? Eight days between when the test was scheduled and the test itself - fast by any standard for a "non-urgent" test. I'm up to day 4 and it is already getting hard to keep myself together. I want to curl up in a ball and cry. Instead I keep myself very busy and distracted, my house will be clean by the time the test happens. In a weird way, cancer is familiar and them finding something else is foreign and scary too. More scary still is that they find nothing and I go on feeling rotten as I have the past 6 months - wow, it's getting to be a LONG time... it is likely that whatever the result I still need a more invasive test soon too, more waiting, more fear.
