5
I'm a total bag of nerves. Butterflies in my stomach. Dry eyes and mouth. Sleepless nights. Lower sex drive. Constipation. Loss of appetite.
I've got so much on the go. Important stuff. Life changing stuff. The anticipation, the waiting, the wondering, the hoping...it's a bit difficult to stay above it all. Answers are on the way. I just need to hang in there for 2 more weeks. Just 2 more weeks. It’s been nearly two years since we’ve started trying to have kids. In that time, most of my close friends and family have had kids… and while I’m happy for them, it does feel like I’m getting kicked in the guts each and every time. My sister-in-law had her baby today. I’m organising a baby shower for a dear friend… and every day, I feel more and more hopeless, and I’m just tired really. Tired of trying, tired of being disappointed, tired of crying, tired of pretending that I’m okay with it, tired of being angry at God for letting dirty tramps and child abusers have kids and not me, tired of making my dear sweet husband worry about me, tired of taking my temperature and having sex at the ‘right’ time whether we want to or not and tired of well meaning people who keep asking when we’re going to have kids because “You’re not getting any younger you know!” Just so tired. So tired in fact, that I’m almost ready to give up, which breaks my heart just as much as not having any luck yet… I’m heartbroken and tired. It’s not a happy place to be.
I am Inuit. I've always lived in Canada, I have no real desire to travel though I've always read of far off places.
A few months ago a co-worker travelled to Ireland, Scotland and England. She remarked that walking on the Roman ruins you could feel the history of the place, imagine how many people have walked on that very same road stretching back for thousands of years. At the time this bothered me though I couldn't pin point why. Canada is considered such a young country. Today I am reading a book of Egypt and there is a similar description by someone visiting the pyramids. I realize I feel that way when I am outside in the middle of no where tundra, on the crisp shores over looking open expanses of water. Hundreds of years ago my ancestors stood here, my ancestors survived here without guns, motorized vehicles, square houses with furnaces, grocery stores... My ancestors stood here and kept this land beautiful - for me, for all future generations. I will always struggle with reconciling my life with my family history. I feel at peace on the land, but I love to read, I work on computers, so much of my life is blissfully easy. There is no going back, but is some kind of compromise possible?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
|
|
|
Wordpress Theme By : Retro Design Studio
|
