So, I finally got a message back from my friend who was upset with me. Apparently, I’m not a very good friend… or not the friend that she’s wanted me to be over the past several years since I moved away. To put it in her words, it’s just not working for her as she’s never felt that her needs have come first.
She wanted time to think before we talked, but also said that when I was ready to listen to let her know. So I let her know (after about a month), and also expressed my regret that I’ve handled all this poorly. This apparently was also the wrong thing to do, as she ended up feeling pressured to talk to me and I wasn’t respecting her need for time. Apparently, reaching out to her and letting her know how much I care about her and value our friendship was also very wrong, as she felt that it was about my need to make it better, not a genuine desire to express my love for her and to make her feel loved. (Apparently, she gets a message from me and vacillates between annoyance and indifference. Nice.) She is a pretty great person, but she’s not perfect. No one is… but I accepted and loved her as she was because that’s what you do, isn’t it?
You know, I get what she’s saying and I feel somewhat remorseful for not being the kind of friend or giving the kind of support she wanted or needed throughout the past 16 years of our friendship (oh yes, it goes back that far.) But my question is, if it’s been bothering her for THAT long, why didn’t she say anything about it before now? Why let it get to this point? Surely, in a true and open friendship, you wouldn’t let this fester, nor would you give up on the friendship that easily.
While I’m a bit sad, I’m relieved at the same time. It has provided closure… and I’m very sorry that she felt pressured to talk to me, but now, like she’s doing – I’ll have to put myself first and unfortunately that doesn’t include her in my life right now.
4 comments:
I am really sorry to hear this.
Thank you. Sad, but like I said, I'm relieved to have some sort of closure... and at the end of the day, I do like who I am and I have many other friends who don't think I'm all THAT bad, so unfortunately, it's time to turn that page. Maybe one day she'd like to revisit our once fantastic friendship and if that's the case, I'll still be around.
Friendships have to evolve to survive. Sometimes you just have to appreciate a past friendship for what it was.
So true. Thank you.
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