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Welcome
This is our corner of the Internet. We're happy here. We're definitely "we" -- this blog is a group project. We all post as "My Own". This is where we write the things we can't say on our own blogs for one reason or another. We hope you like it here as much as we do. We hope you'll stick around.
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My mother is turning into that old woman. You know the one - everything is about her, her current health troubles, her struggles in dealing with her aging body. Is someone in the family having trouble sleeping? Well, that's NOTHING. She hasn't slept well in MONTHS. Did someone in the family make a joke about wanting to be housebound with their spouse? Well, they should just be GRATEFUL they're not REALLY housebound (which is strange because while she is having some trouble with her daily activities, she is not, in fact, "housebound"). Did my latest weight-lifting session leave me stiff and sore? Well, you should just be GRATEFUL your body WORKS. The thing that's so supremely irritating about this turn of events is that she herself has never been grateful for her healthy body or her independence. She's the type of person who complains constantly, who will LOOK for things to complain about if things are actually going well. She appears to revel in her misery, wearing her martyrdom like the proverbial Crown of Thorns. I do not resent providing whatever help my Mother needs. But I resent her becoming THAT old woman, the one who's supremely self-centered and can't seem to accept her infirmary with some grace.
My uncle is 48, his oldest daughter is 21, she has a daughter (yes, he's a grandpa), I am 36. My uncle's girlfriend is 30. This creeps me out, especially when he wants to talk to me about her being bitchy cause it is "her time of the month". When he first mentioned her attitude to me I thought she was probably pre-menopausal, when I found out she is younger than I am... flabbergasted, no words... glad we're related and I'm not in your pool of fish!
A friend of a friend got me using the word boyscouting - I love it!
Wednesday I saw a handsome gentleman at a restaurant I met friends at. Cause I met my friends, I didn't make time for small talk, but he lit up when I smiled at him and when I saw him leave he seemed disappointed we hadn't chatted.
Today I was not feeling great but had to get a couple errands done. I saw him again but wasn't up for small talk. Totally felt like he was checking me out, I certainly wasn't at my best. Now that I'm feeling better I'm kicking myself for not introducing myself and getting his number.
How to randomly meet again... guess I'm going boyscouting!
Do you ever feel like things are going too well? How long can this continue? Is something terrible just around the corner? Will I be diagnosed with cancer after those labs tests I did following that check up where I was so pleased with boring, normal banter? Will a family member suffer some terrible injury performing a routine task?
If only I could just enjoy the peace in my life instead of dreading the future...
What if the future continues to be uneventful? What if the future has greater happiness in store for me?
Why am I worrying so much?
Have you heard of Brené Brown? She has two TED Talks, one on vulnerability and one on shame. She also has two books, "I Thought it was Just Me" and "Daring Greatly."
These talks and books have helped me change my life. I have more confidence in myself, I am a much better parent and I hope I am a better friend.
In addition to growing emotionally, my health has dramatically improved, what drew me to Brené's work also drew me to make other changes in my life. Recently I decided to try a couple of sports in addition to my independent walking, running & hiking.
I never understood how an athlete could lose so often and keep trying. I've realized that athletes lose so often and don't let it get them down and keep optimistic, to be able to try again. I realized that in the past when I played sports I could never stop from getting down, from feeling that sense of doom, from feeling like I let my team down.
I had someone score against me. My initial thoughts were:
I suck
I let my team down
I should stop playing
I'm never going to be any good
For the first time ever I've been able to change my thoughts and accept support from my teammates:
The score is X:Y, I might have allowed one goal but my teammates let in X-1 and they keep trying. I made a good pass there. I made a good block there. My teammates said, "Good job!" "Good play!" - and I believe they are being sincere. And though I'm still a little overwhelmed by the high speed and close contact, it feels amazing that I'm keeping up! I know I'll get better so long as I keep trying and stay optimistic the same way everyone on my team is - playing sports as an adult is a choice, no one has to play as part of gym class or give into peer pressure - everyone is coming out cause it feels good to be a part of it!
Playing sports and not being the star player, making mistakes and not being perfect is the most liberating feeling I've ever had! It's like I've unlocked the door to a jail I had put myself in!
That I am REALLY lusting after my husband (more so than usual?) I’ve obviously always found him quite attractive but entering my final trimester of pregnancy, I look at him and I’m ready to rip his clothes off and jump on him. I feel like the Big Bad Wolf, leering greedily at Red Riding Hood!
Ten years ago I was pregnant for the first time and I gained a whopping 70 pounds! I never lost all that weight and less than two years later I gave birth a second time surpassing my highest weight ever. Again, I never lost all the weight.
When my youngest was 18 months old I went on the South Beach Diet and I made it down to 10 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight but I felt AWFUL.... within 6 months I regained 30 pounds and gradually over the years it climbed with my stress levels.
At one point at a loss for what to try that would not make me feel awful like a diet or be too much of a time burden or expense I tried a hypnosis CD and book. You might laugh at this cause how can you think yourself thin but I honestly think this book has contributed to my long term success. I didn't like any part of me any more, the book helped me realize that and realize that I needed to like myself in order to have any motivation or hope of bettering myself. It took time and other significant life changes but I learned to like myself again. What was not so healthy was I like myself fat. My stretch marks were filled out so my skin didn't sag, I could eat whatever I wanted and not exercise.
At my peak around the time my father passed away, I was less than 10 pounds away from my peak pregnancy weight but I wasn't pregnant...
Last Thanksgiving I decided to start making changes, nothing extreme, no dieting, no gym membership, just manageable changes. I found a calorie tracking app for my iPhone and I targeted losing half a pound per week, which was a reasonable calorie budget of about 1800 calories per day. I started walking.
I was shocked at how quickly the weight started coming off just by being aware of what I was eating and walking. I'm pretty sure that before I was tracking I must have been eating 3000+ calories per day.
I also rediscovered my love of the outdoors. I LOVE walking outside!
By April I was down to 10 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight. I was amazed by how well things had gone but it was almost a disembodied feeling. I had no perception of what I looked like or what size I wore. I decided to stop tracking and see if I could keep the weight off without a conscious effort.
Six months later I'm up five pounds but my clothes still fit and I get more compliments now than when I was working at it, it's kinda like my body has reshaped itself now that my weight stabilized. I've kept my activity level up and even increased it now that I'm strong enough to do more, I actually was surprised to find some arm muscles, I think from gardening and painting!
I feel AWESOME! I like my body better than I ever have before! Stretch marks from carrying my babies, my boobs are different from breast feeding, I have back fat I have no idea how to get rid of... but I KNOW every inch of my body, I accept what is there is there because of how I treated myself and choices I made. I accept love and appreciation of my body from others, even though I know I'm not perfect. Pre-pregnancy if someone complimented me I would say, thanks but I can't lose that last 5 pounds; today when I get a compliment I smile, say thanks and usually I'm happy about it for days :)
I maybe years healthier than I was a year ago but it is time for me to step things up... I want to be able to swing across the monkey bars with my kids. I want to RUN. I'm going to start a run training program and pushups and other body weight exercises. I'll start tracking calories again but be a little more lenient in how closely I stick to it. If the scale goes down then great, less of me to haul across the monkey bars, but if the scale doesn't budge and I can haul myself across the monkey bars - I'll know how much stronger I've become.
It has been nearly two years since my Dad passed away.
I don't spend a lot of time with my extended family or friends parents but when I do, I can't handle the emotions that come over me...
I left a friends party early when her Dad was the centre of attention.
My Uncle is here visiting my cousin right now, to the home my Dad lived for many years but my Uncle never made it here when my Dad was alive. I couldn't help but think about my Dad as I gave the tour guide description of the area, imagine the things they would have enjoyed together. I was glad to be wearing my sunglasses and didn't get out when I dropped him off.
We've never been good at sharing emotions in my family.
I never want to stop missing my Dad, but I do want to get over being around other Dads and people who remind me of my Dad.
I’m finally pregnant! After the tears, advice and trying, trying, trying! We gave up and it happened! I’m 12 weeks as of today, so I feel like I can finally tell you guys – I had my 12 week scan today and could actually SEE the baby! I’m overusing exclamation marks! Justifiably so! Yippee!!
I had a dream last night that still feels real. I was hanging out with my friend I have known since high school. And he is hot. I kissed him in my dream and boy oh boy was it amazing! Don't think I will tell my husband about that dream!
My son was diagnosed with reading and writing disorders this year and it is taking a while for me to figure out what this means.
It took a long time to meet with the psychologist who made the diagnoses and that has helped me understand a great deal. My son's thought processes, intelligence and capabilities are quite normal, he learns and understands the material he is taught in school but he can't write a normal test. He can do anything he wants, become whatever he wants to become - he will only need extra help with the communication aspects of traditional schooling. With the current and expected future of technology, this is not the same challenge it used to be, software can read to you, record what you say and write for you. I will need to help him more than average with reading and writing throughout his education - I am okay with this.
I realize how much I take reading and my independence for granted. Labels, signs, packaging, recipes, mail, forms, newspapers, magazines, maps, games like Trivial Pursuit. I feel mournful that my son is likely to struggle with these things. I know he has a strong support system, including myself, that will help him but I feel mournful of the independence he is losing.
My son is still young. He is only just beginning to feel frustration when a peer reads a sign or label that he cannot. We are lucky to have these diagnoses early. Hopefully we can support him adequately so that he never feels he is at a disadvantage.
What I am most mournful of is that my son's life will be harder than mine ever was.
I am learning a lot about how to help my son. Luckily school was easy for me and I do enjoy re-living many wonderful memories as my children learn. I am happy to be a very involved parent. I will intimately know everything my son learns because I will help him read for research projects and write his thoughts and write the amazing stories in his head that he draws pictures for and stages for performances. I am ready to take on these challenges as a parent.
But I still feel I need to take some time to acknowledge the sadness I feel that my son has these challenges to face, that I will not be able to take his place, I cannot make it go away. He will likely struggle with things that I take for granted his entire life.
Today, I received a certificate stating I am now certified in "Course name" for level 1 and 2. Thing is, I never completed level 1. Am I that good? Of course not! I guess I'll just add it the my already large stack of certificates.
I'm a total bag of nerves. Butterflies in my stomach. Dry eyes and mouth. Sleepless nights. Lower sex drive. Constipation. Loss of appetite. I've got so much on the go. Important stuff. Life changing stuff. The anticipation, the waiting, the wondering, the hoping...it's a bit difficult to stay above it all. Answers are on the way. I just need to hang in there for 2 more weeks. Just 2 more weeks.
It’s been nearly two years since we’ve started trying to have kids. In that time, most of my close friends and family have had kids… and while I’m happy for them, it does feel like I’m getting kicked in the guts each and every time. My sister-in-law had her baby today. I’m organising a baby shower for a dear friend… and every day, I feel more and more hopeless, and I’m just tired really. Tired of trying, tired of being disappointed, tired of crying, tired of pretending that I’m okay with it, tired of being angry at God for letting dirty tramps and child abusers have kids and not me, tired of making my dear sweet husband worry about me, tired of taking my temperature and having sex at the ‘right’ time whether we want to or not and tired of well meaning people who keep asking when we’re going to have kids because “You’re not getting any younger you know!” Just so tired. So tired in fact, that I’m almost ready to give up, which breaks my heart just as much as not having any luck yet… I’m heartbroken and tired. It’s not a happy place to be.
I am Inuit. I've always lived in Canada, I have no real desire to travel though I've always read of far off places. A few months ago a co-worker travelled to Ireland, Scotland and England. She remarked that walking on the Roman ruins you could feel the history of the place, imagine how many people have walked on that very same road stretching back for thousands of years. At the time this bothered me though I couldn't pin point why. Canada is considered such a young country. Today I am reading a book of Egypt and there is a similar description by someone visiting the pyramids. I realize I feel that way when I am outside in the middle of no where tundra, on the crisp shores over looking open expanses of water. Hundreds of years ago my ancestors stood here, my ancestors survived here without guns, motorized vehicles, square houses with furnaces, grocery stores... My ancestors stood here and kept this land beautiful - for me, for all future generations. I will always struggle with reconciling my life with my family history. I feel at peace on the land, but I love to read, I work on computers, so much of my life is blissfully easy. There is no going back, but is some kind of compromise possible?
If you hurt my feelings, and I tell you that you've hurt my feelings, the correct response is not to tell me how misinformed I am or tell me that you're sorry you didn't explain your position better. The implication of such a decision is that it's my fault I feel hurt and devalued, and that you couldn't possibly have made better choices to avoid this outcome. This makes me feel worse, not better. Of course, if your intention is to make me feel worse rather than mend the rift in our relationship, then I guess you responded appropriately. But if you really are sorry I feel bad, then you might try, "I'm really sorry I hurt your feelings. I never meant to make you feel devalued, and I hope you'll accept my apology."
My friend who has cancer has found out today that it’s not life threatening. It’s incurable, so she will have to live with it for the rest of her life and learn how to manage it when she’s in and out of remission, but it’s not life threatening! Happy! Better than “Can be cured, but more likely to die soon.” (I think.)
Last night a friend told me that she was called by her pharmacist. They told her that her birth control had been recalled, it was full of placebos rather than the normal hormone gradient. She's quasi-dating someone right now, she says she's madly in love with him, he refuses to officially date her, just lets him mother her (he's almost 40 but apparently "still hung up over his ex"). This has been going on for the past year. She's desperately in love with him. He's considering going back to his home country. This is devastating for her. She's already got multiple children, loves children, is clearly very fertile, and is apparently extremely concerned that she could be pregnant. And here's where I come in. While this woman is a friend of mine, I know her to be manipulative. She's a good person but I can't help but wonder how much of this is the truth, and if she'd actually stoop so low as to "trap" him in a pregnancy. I hate to think that she would do that, but about a year ago she accidentally got pregnant by another guy. She had to terminate the pregnancy because it for some reason made her very very very ill and strained her heart. When I mentioned that to her last night, her response was "oh no worries, I had a physical last week and I'm good to go." I looked up drug recalls this morning. There has been a highly publicized drug recall in the US, but none of what I read indicated the drugs had been sold in Canada. I checked Health Canada's list of drug recalls, nothing there either. I don't want to accuse her of anything, but it seems like she might be lying. And I don't know if I can be friends with her if my suspicions (which I admit, are horrid and not very friend-like) are true. Have I been reading too many conspiracy novels? Do 'real' people do this sort of thing? When does one say something?
We all have our own challenges and walls to climb, which can feel insurmountable to each of us… but I found out today that a good friend of mine has cancer… somehow, makes most of my problems seem a little less significant. She’s so optimistic and positive it makes my heart ache for a good outcome for her and her two boys. I need a hug.
I need to make new friends, I need to find a best friend. I have friends but I've realized that I am none of their best friends. When I realized this about my oldest friend, I was inclined to feel hurt, but I wasn't - just cause we've been friends FOREVER doesn't make us best friends - we have different interests, her best friend shares more of her interests. When I think of all my friends and contemplate each of their circles of friends, there is not one I want to become a bigger part of, no acquaintances that make me think, "I should get to know her/him better." So how, as an adult, with a busy work and family life and many solitary interests, do I make new friends???
I work in a unionized workplace where middle management is also part of the union. Since they are part of union, their loyalties should be to the union members and not to the big boss man. That's not the case where I work. My boss is a bitch!
I've been dating a fellow lately, not long, so things are still kind of new. We had our first sleep-over last night, spent more or less 24 hours straight together. And it was really nice, kind of a test though. Those things always are. Can we tolerate each other for that long. Will we have enough to talk about, how will making meals work? Will we fight?
All in all, it went really well.
But is always kind of awkward, at this stage. You want to pretend, as a woman, that you just effortlessly roll out of bed in the morning looking fabulous. That you didn't go out and buy a brand new razor so your legs would be ultra-smooth.
That you didn't hide a compact of pressed powder in the bathroom "just in case" you look like a yeti come morning.
Some things just take time.
But I felt fine washing off my makeup last night. I didn't even put any on this morning. I doubt he noticed.
However, the one thing I really really really hate doing in front of a guy is get dressed.
I'm not going to lie. I've got plenty of boob to work with.
And I swear, the least attractive thing in the world has to be me putting on a bra. It is like watching sausages getting made.
Some things just shouldn't be seen.
As a young, married woman moving more and more into adulthood, I'm starting to notice that people (mostly older friends, co-workers and family) have a tendency toward getting all up in my business acting like they know more about me than I do. I'll have conversations in which I say, "I'm not really interested in buying a house" and the automatic response is a knowing smile and a, "Oh, you just wait, you'll change your mind". Or I'll say, "I don't like children, my husband and I don't plan on having any and we're perfectly comfortable with that decision" and it will be met with, "You say that now, but you'll change your mind. I said that when I was your age, too." And, granted, I understand that I probably will, in fact, change my mind about many things in my life (although I'm skeptical about ever changing my mind on the child thing), and I also understand that there are people in my life who have been through more experiences than I have and may perhaps know more about life situations. It doesn't make it any less annoying, though, when the 10th person voices the exact same doubts about my own life decisions. When did it become socially acceptable to blatantly contradict someone about how they feel? It feels as worthless and as petty of a statement as if my friend were to say, "Oh, I hate broccoli" and I were to respond, "Oh, you say that now, but someday you'll love it! Everyone does!" It's even more annoying when it comes from the people in my life who are younger than I am and/or haven't even yet experienced serious relationships, marriage, living by themselves, etc.
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