So please stop asking me. Would you be okay if your dad dropped dead unexpectedly? If you were out on a stunningly sunny Saturday afternoon, doing your grocery shopping, to come home to that really, really, really awful phone call... How do you thinkI am handling it? How the hell do you think my mum is handling it? Not bloody well, that's how.
And while I'm on the subject, stop asking me how it happened. Do you want all the gory details, or is it that you would like to see me break down in tears so you can cluck and shake your head and say "You poor thing. It'll get better in time. Just remember the good times and say your prayers." I don't want to remember the good times, nor do I want to sit silently and pray for my dearly departed dad's immortal soul.
What I want is to have my dad back... to have not been away the weekend before, so I could have called home to talk to (ie - argue with) him again. What I want is my dad to meet my children one day when I have them... and my mum not to be alone and so be hurting so friggin much.
I'm really angry and fairly sad.
I'm tired of being philosophical. I am tired of being gracious... I'm sick to death (no pun intended) of saying "Yes well, his quality of life had been deteriorating, so it was for the best I suppose... and he didn't suffer in the end." I'm sick of it. So no. I am not okay, so please, please, please leave me the hell alone.
And as I write... in another window, another well meaning friend has asked how I am... and of course, I said "Fine thanks, how are you?" Because, at the end of the day, I know all the words, sympathy etc is borne out of love and well wishes.
But that still doesn't mean I'm okay... so if you ask and I say I'm okay... I'm lying to you.
6 comments:
The hard thing is that most people have not had their Dad drop dead or be killed suddenly. They cannot imagine the sheer brain numbing, heart wrenching, shocky hell you are experiencing. So they do the only thing that they know and ask how you are doing. My Mom's favourite response is: I don't know how I am doing, I have never done this before. With time people move on and will stop asking how you are. That can also be hard because after a few months the loss is still (for me) just as sickeningly awful as it was 8 months ago.
I am so sorry for the sudden death and loss of your father.
Hugs, my dear. I am very sorry for your loss.
Hugs from me too. I dread the day I have to deal with what you are dealing with. I think when my dad dies, a big part of me will be empty.
Natalie - sorry for your loss also. x
Thanks guys... all the love is always very much appreciated but I suppose it just gets tiring pretending (even to myself) that I'm ticking along quite nicely.
I have say that I'm VERY lucky to have some amazing and loving people in my life to help me up when I stumble. I am thinking of spending a day in bed just wailing though. I think I'll feel better for it.
When my dad died 3 years also, it was also sudden. I literally flew from one side of Canada to the other. You're right, it's the question "How are you doing" that is the worst. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you it gets better, that's a crock. They days pass and you don't cry as much and the shock wears off. But you know what? I did spent one entire day in bed and just cried. And wailed. And screamed. And then got up, showered and went about my day the next day. It is very therapeutic. Just tell everyone to leave you alone for 24 hours. Big hug my friend.
You know, I laughed and laughed the other day when my husband and I were being silly... and it was the first time I felt like me in the past month. Then I burst into tears.
I think the worst part was leaving my mum to fly to the other side of the earth. Ugh.
I was actually thinking of taking today to do just that - to lay in bed and cry, scream, wail, beat my fists and to rant and rave about how unfair it all is. I may hold out for a couple more weeks until school holidays and then I don't have to feel guilty for leaving my students again... and they keep me nice and distracted.
Thanks again guys. You really are awesome. x
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