The Web That Is My Own

There was a bake sale at work the other day. We have them often; they raise money for the kick-ass Christmas parties we have every year.

I walked in and saw a boardroom table laden with goodies: brownies, cookies, pies. And in that second, inside my head, I saw myself eating ALL of it.

I backed away, but it was already too late; you can't really walk into a bake sale and walk out again unnoticed. I had to explain myself.

So I made some lame joke about not wanting to eat everything (which was true) and said that I have a problem with food (which was also true). I really should just shut up.

My co-worker, who is larger than I am, was not impressed.

I was not always this size, and it's easy for people to forget that I lost a third of my body weight a few years ago through ten months of hard work and dieting. I still struggle with the urge to overeat, and I KNOW that I could have eaten everything on that table without a second thought. I am not a skinny bitch, I swear. I am a skinny glutton.

I used to think that people who talked about being sober alcoholics were weirdos. If you're sober, you're not an alcoholic, right? I now know exactly what they mean. They're talking about the constant struggle to fight off the urge to do something they don't want to do and yet DESPERATELY want to do. I was insensitive to question their description of that struggle, even inside my head.

People at work have said that I have great willpower. This is usually in the context of bake sales or someone's birthday cake. They don't realize that I have absolutely no willpower at all. If I ate some of the cake, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from eating far too much of it. It's easier to walk away and pretend that I have some self-control.